By Scott Fleg-Monger, Our Westminster Correspondent

Speaker of the Imperial Parliament in London, and husband of self-publicist Sally (pictured below and in many places elsewhere), John "Big Man" Bercow yesterday declared that use of the term “separate” would no longer be allowed in questions within the Palace of Westminster.

After firing both barrels over the heads of the baying mob of Honourable MPs, he continued, "The world is watching us, and the behaviour of you bunch of clowns makes us all a laughing stock. I've already had to restrict your bevvying, but you're as bad as ever. (Button it Cameron!)

"The MSPs manage to behave (more or less) as civilized people, and that makes their pretendy wee Parliament look a helluva lot better than this place.

"We all have the Best of Both Worlds in this place, and I'm not having that put at risk by the Scots running off with their resources. So let me repeat -

"There will be no hooliganism. There will be no vandalism. There will be no bevvying. There will be no using bloody stupid words like 'separatism', because the Scots are watching us."

Michelle Mone instantly declared that she would leave the UK, and move her business to somewhere where separation was celebrated.

“Catalunya seems the most likely location”, she said.

Blare McDougall from the anti-separatist (damn we can’t say that) anti-splittist campaign to avoid Scotlandshire splitting from the Philanthropic Southerners Whose Financial Generosity Marginally Prevents Scotlandshire From Sinking Into Total Obscurity And Disaster (PSWFGMPSFSITOAD) remarked, ”That would be a total disaster for me.

"I rely on Michelle’s products to keep my body outline firm and sturdy. If she became a foreigner, my body would reject her body forming products and revert to being fat, flabby and unattractive.

“I need to keep my bits as close to each other as possible. Hence my original slogans of “Better Together” and “U-KOK? Haven’t seen you for years”.

Alastair Darling, the public face of anti-splittism, said, “Did Bercow say that?  I missed it as I was busy washing my hair. It’s damn difficult keeping it Snow White when I’m surrounded in this campaign by Labour dwarves who insist on being separate (Damn, damn!) splittist from my anti-splittist campaign.

"Look, look. We always have the Best of Both Worlds with the Tories. That’s why Gordon and I were so enthusiastic about their economic thingie.”

Impartial journalist Magnus Gardham was left speechless by Bercow’s announcement.

Pete Wishart, splittist MP for some remote Scottish constituency said something, but we couldn’t be arsed to record it.

Ian Davidson MP and Chairchoob of the Scottish Select Committee for Saving English Pansy Arses Regardless of Arsewipe Tory Intruding Speaker Tits said, “Ah’m for union wie onybody ah kin get tae recline wie me. Spliffs ur fine wie me an aw.  Ah’m no agin spliffers Ye cannae survive doon here without a spliff an a recline.

“Wis that whit ye wir askin?”

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 Hansard : PARLIAMENTARY DEBATES (HANSARD) Wednesday 11 September 2013 p982

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