By Withered Vine our London Fashion Correspondent

The number of Londoners dying from air pollution is already 4,000 every year – and the SNP want that figure to rise.

A third runway at Heathrow would lead to significantly more early deaths from pollution than a new airport built in the Thames Estuary, a study has warned.

The research, funded by US university MIT, suggests Heathrow aviation pollution directly causes about 50 early deaths a year. This number is rising and may climb to 150 if a third runway is built, the study claims.

If Heathrow closed and an airport was built in the Thames Estuary, early deaths would be reduced by more than 60% the report's lead author, Steve Barrett from MIT, said.

London Mayor, Alexander Boris de Pfeffel Johnson (58) declared "This report wholly justifies my plan to create a new airport in the Thames, by cutting the moorings keeping Lismore in Scotland, and towing it south to the Thames.

It is a natural runway, but serves no useful purpose where it is."

Wee Willie Bain MP confirmed the need for drastic action to reduce pollution. "As a naturalised Londoner, pollution is a critical issue. Just look what it's done to my skin!"

Wee Willie Rennie MSP said of Johnson's proposal – "They want a Scottish island? Seems a bit odd. But hey, whit can you do, eh?"

Wee Willie Winkie (understudy for J Krankie) asked ""Are the weans in their bed, for it's noo ten o'clock?"

Viscious separatist Nicola Sturgeon laughed evilly, when asked to respond. "I've never heard of such a silly proposal", she sneered. "That sounds like one of those spoof stories from the BBC Scotland site" - contemptuously dismissing those suffering and dying in London.

Chairchoob of the Scottish Affairs committee on Hellions Ironically Encouraging Doubters To Hate Everything Bad About Westminster Shenanigans, Ian Davidson MP, grunted:

"They can take oor islands, but they'll never take oor expenses! They're aw sheep shaggers oan Lismore anyweiy. wu'll no miss them.

"They Natz bastirts jist want tae keep aw their natural resources fur them sells. Oil, watter, electricity and noo islands. These things shid be sharet wi the poorer parts ay Brittin, like that London and the south east ay Enerlund.

"It's no like thur's anybody livin' in Scoatland anyweiy. The hale place is empty, 'cos it's a shite place tae live. That's whiy ah bide in London noo - well, that an aw the expenses, right enough. An you separatist c*nts are threatinin' ma joab."

Subterranean leader of the labour party in Scotland Johann Lamont was unavailable for comment

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