If you can find them...mibbes you can hire...the Nay-Team.

By Bung Kerr-Dosser, our Underground Correspondent

nay-teamAlistair Darling MP [non exec] has announced the grand opening of the U-KOK's latest spontaneous grassroots campaign, NO! Glasgow, which is to be launched at a secret location somewhere in the city, on an undisclosed date and at a time which no-one must know.

Coming just 12 months after the launch of the pro-dependency campaign, Loyal Together, the timing of this launch in Scotlandshire's largest city demonstrates the passion and sense of urgency which underlies the NO! Campaign.

NO! Campaign jester, Simon Pia, explains:

"When we launched U-KOK last year, we imagined that local NO! Campaign groups would soon pop up in every city, town and village across Scotlandshire. This didn't happen, Nobody seemed to be interested.

"Tory supporters couldn't be arsed to turn out – they were either too old to help or too busy avoiding the tax man and they were worried about getting uncomfortably close to scary Labour neds who might well have horrible diseases from a life on taxpayer-funded Methadone and Buckie.

"Labour supporters didn't want to be seen in public with Tories, who are (on the Labour Hame Scum Scale) almost half as bad as the the SNP . That kept the halls pretty empty and the pasting tables unmanned.

"And there are so few Libdems left in Scotlandshire that nobody noticed if they turned up or not.

sdl-march"The only folk who were keen to take part were the Orange lodge, The EDL, the National Front, the BNP, the U-kippers and other assorted fleg wavers and distance walkers. None of us wanted the public to start asking why these nutters were all so keen to join in, and what we had in common with them, so we did our best to keep them out.

"Mind you, it's getting harder to keep the crazies at bay when a whole swarm of SLAB grandees has been clambering over each other like cockroaches smelling a free lunch, desperate to announce the abolition of the Scottish parliament and the Barnett formula as soon as the country sees sense and votes no. The marching classes just lap up all that stuff.

"This all meant that the few meetings we did manage to organise had nobody in the audience but a load of SLAB councillors (officially a 'broon envelope' of SLAB councillors) in the regulation black funeral suits and red ties they had all inherited from their socialist grandfathers.

rob-murray"So, we decided to appoint a director with special responsibility for creating and coordinating spontaneous grassroots campaigns, to kind of help things along a little. He is Rob Murray, our National Campaign Organiser (Grassroots), and NO! Glasgow is one of his first efforts.

"Rob had a bit of a false start last month in Bathgate or Whitburn or some other 1970s shithole like that, when a load of cybernat scum turned up at the launch asking awkward questions, annoying the councillors and generally not taking 'f--k off and die' for an answer. For christ sake, these guys call themselves 'muted tortoises' or some such thing and they had the f—king cheek to take the piss out of US!

"The bastards even filmed the whole thing on their phones and stuck it straight onto some interwebby thing called You-choob! If we had known it was going to be a televised public meeting we wouldn't have put such a bunch of total eejits on the panel, and we'd have found something much more important and pressing for Blair to do as well.

"This time we're not taking any risks. You might imagine we call ourselves 'Project Fear' because we make up so many scare stories, but it's really just because we're terrified of debate.

Pia"The launch of NO! Glasgow, or 'Glasgow: Subservience with Style' to give it it's proper name, is far too important to allow these muted reptiles to ruin it by asking unscripted questions or sticking up their f—king Saltires all over the gig.

"After all, this kind of spontaneous grassroots group does not spring up - entirely by itself - without a shitload of money being spent (message sponsored by Ian Taylor and Dart Oil, sanction-busting is our business).

"The Glasgow Launch will be a ticket only event, and tickets will only be issued to SLAB councillors and their families if they can prove they have never even heard of Alan Grogan or LFI (Labour for F—king Independence) and would kill him on sight, if only they recognised him, which they wouldn't.

"The only entry to the secret venue will be through the basement of Greggs on the corner of George Square where a private lift (courtesy of Cllr G. Mathieson) will speed delegates to the secure bunker entrance.

"There, our trained security staff will make them strip to the waist, to ensure they are not sneaking in any contraband Scottish flags or wearing t-shirts printed with coded separatist messages. Not even that strangely attractive little one that wears nothing but an exclamation mark! [Pay attention! - Ed]

bailliegreggs-alone"This will help to ensure that only the right kind of people – our kind of people – SLAB folk – will be at this most public of public meetings.

Naturally, no photography or filming will be allowed to make sure that suitable audience shots can be published by Blair as evidence of the massive turnout.

"Any strange similarities in the faces of the many hundreds of delegates can be accounted for purely by the SLAB policy of enhanced nepotism and will have nothing whatsoever to do with Photoshop.

"Besides, Blair doesn't even use Photoshop, despite recent unwarranted separatist accusations, as he much prefers GIMP. Not only is GIMP free, but he finds the masks so much more appealing.

"The event will be hosted by Alistair Darling himself and will feature each of the three unionist party leaders. Johann Lamont, however, will be played by wee Jimmy Krankie as she is currently unavailable. Together, they are the Nay-Team.

"So, If you have a problem...if you're the only U-KOKer in town...if no one else will help...and if you can find them...mibbes you can hire...the Nay-Team.

"As our wise and great leader recently said of Scotlandshire, 'This is not a democratic place in the normal sense.' (©2013 Anas Sarwar MP [hereditary])"

Related Articles

Wings over Scotland : Papers Please

BetterTogether.net : Launch of Better Together Glasgow (Local Group Launch Event)


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