By Cling Ontaeme, Our Film Correspondent

A new remake of the 1952 classic Western, "High Noon", premiered in the Mitchell Library, Glasgow at 1 pm last Saturday, and enthusiastic film fans packed the auditorium and gathered outside to see the stars arrive.

Crafted to merge the Western film genre with actual events occurring 50 years later, it weaves together the current conflicts in Scotlandshire and Syria into a pair of Western towns, Greenock and Port Glasgow, who are the Beasts of Both Worlds until their security is threatened by the pair of vile killers, Salmond and Assad, who are referenced constantly but never appear on screen.

This plot mechanism often produces confusion, until the conflicts are resolved in the final scene as Sheriff Darling emerges victorious, but only through an unexpected intervention!

Producer Aneeda Zimmer described his intentions for the film, "I love the old values. Black is black, white is white : straight is straight, gay is an abomination : imperialism is good, separation is bad. There's nothing political about these values, they are the universal values which have informed the thinking of the ruling classes for millenia. 

"Of course, Tex Ritter's theme song, is used constantly. Whether your darling is Alastair of that ilk, Willie Rennie (deceased), Cameron or Obama, the poor and powerless need to be persuaded that they haven't been forsaken by them. Of course, they have but Johann Lamont's open statement that her party has done that, is like turning up in a street fight without a gun.

"That song also resonates with the additional loss that many in Inverclyde, and elsewhere, feel that they have also been forsaken by Gordon Brown, who couldn't be arsed to turn up for the Syria vote, or Westminster MPs who voted against bombing the shit out of brown people. What's the point of having clout unless you can bomb or gas them? Can anyone really believe that a separate Scotlandshire would even have the chemical warfare materials to sell to another dictatorship (copyright A Sarwar)"

The Scotlandshire franchise for the remake had been bought originally by "Seperatist Films plc" but their attempt to create a script around the life of SNP adviser Stephen Noon was a miserable failure. Their draft title "Hah! Noon" only amused Alex Salmond's former speechwriters.

The commercial success of the film won't be determined until it goes on general release in Autumn 2014.

Plot summary

The plot examines the tension that develops between the citizens of two Western Scottish towns and their faithful, but retiring MPs, who seek their assistance when a separatist, suspended by Westminster, twinned with a former faithful client, ruler of nearby Gourock, return to kill them off.

SLAB loyalist and trougher, Iain McKenzie, (Brad Pittbull), the longtime provost-marshal of Inverclydeville, North British Territory, has just allied with kick-boxer Ruth Davidson (Ann Widdiconbe) and turned in his badge. He intends to become a Lord elsewhere. Suddenly, the towns learn that Alex Salmond will arrive in Greenock and Bashar al-Assad in Port Glasgow (both played by an abstract swastika), whom McKenzie thought were beyond the pale, on the noon train (played by an Edinburgh tram, so High Midnight would be more appropriate).

Salmond had been sentenced to hang but was pardoned on an unspecified legal technicality called "being elected with an overall majority", al-Assad was a brutal dictator (like Salmond, but unlike Eck, he had previously been a Labour pal). These villains were so vile as never to have recognised McKenzie's existence.

Iain and Ruth leave town, and fearing that the villains will hunt him down and be a danger to his trougher pals, Iain buggers off, leaving the day to be saved by our hero, former Chancellor Alastair Darling (Alastair Darling), who has flipped yet another home to a demolished flat in Oronsay Avenue to secure a vote in the Scotlandshire referendum. Darling reclaims his badge and scours the towns for help, even interrupting Sunday church services, with little success. His (and everyone's) deputy, Johann Lamont (Jimmy Krankie) resigns because Alastair did not recommend her as the new supreme ruler. Lamont agrees to stay if Alastair will support her, but he refuses to buy her assistance, having already been bought himself.

Alastair goes to warn Michelle Mone (Michelle Mone), a local businesswoman who makes her income from marketing women's bodies. Michelle is already aware of what Scotlandshire will do to her business, having threatened to leave so many times before. She prepares to leave town to avoid Salmond but also to avoid seeing her assets deflated.

Ruth gives Alastair an ultimatum: she is leaving on the noon train, with or without him.

Many of the townspeople encourage Alastair to leave, hoping that would defuse the situation, since they couldn't really give a shit about anything other than the Morton score. Even his good friends the Devo-Plussers are at odds about how to deal with the situation. 

In the end, Alastair faces Salmond, Assad and their gangs alone. Salmond waves a Saltire, but is wounded in the process. Michelle and Ruth both board the train, but Ruth gets off when she hears the sound of flag waving.

Ruth chooses Alastair's sensitivities over her political future, shooting her mouth off in support of the status quo. Salmond then takes her hostage to force Darling into the open. However, Ruth suddenly attacks Salmond, giving Alastair a clear shot, as Salmond convulses with laughter at her weakness. Alastair shoots Salmond and Assad dead with a single shot. As the townspeople emerge, Alastair stares at the crowd, contemptuously throws his marshal's star in the dirt, and leaves for town (London) with his bank balance considerably enhanced, and his peerage in the bag.

 Related Articles

Wikipedia : High Noon

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