By Max McCaird our Financial Forrespondent

Veteran Liberal Democrat MP Sir Menzies Campbell (114) and his care-worker have published a new report detailing the party's plans for enhanced Scotlandshire devolution. In an effort to justify their existence the Lib Dems have produced a detailed and influential report that no one apart from Wullie Rennie can be arsed to read, which promises a whole load of federalist guff that's not going to happen.

Sir Minger said:

"We've had federalism as a Liberal and then Lib Dem policy for over 100 years without doing anything about it, and in the grand tradition of the party these new proposals won't go anywhere either. But with all those Scottish splittists threatening my seat in the commons, we've got to make like we're paying attention, so we're trotting this old red-herring out again. It's the political version of 'oh look, here's something shiny'. Once the MacPlebs have voted no we can get back to ignoring it.

"Meanwhile back on Planet Earth we can only proceed with measures that the Tories and Labour support too, especially since the only Lib Dem voters left are members of Wullie Rennie's extended family. Both Labour and the Conservatives are determined that once this irksome referendum is out of the way, we can all agree to neuter the Scotlandshire parliament by transferring many of its powers to local councils where our parties have got more of a say, and increasing the oversight from Westminster. We're buggered if we're going to go through this referendum nightmare again. We're calling it an extension of Scotlandshire's powers, we're extending them out of the reach of Holyrood.

"But the clever bit is replacing the Act of Union of 1707 with a new federal Act of Union. See what I just did there? Then it really will be an Act of Union and none of this Treaty of Union between two states nonsense ... That'll put paid to all this Scottish sovereignty hoo-ha that's giving my bowels such gyp. And they call Salmond smug and conniving.

"We just hope that the Daily Retread readers and BBC Reporting Scotlandshire viewers don't notice and we can get away with it like we did in 1979. But back then we didn't have to reckon with those pesky kids, Scooby Salmond McDoo and their Cybernatmobile."

Sir Mung-Beans-in-Nippy-Sauce added, between spoonfuls of hi-fibre stool softener:

"It was a whole lot easier when Donald was alive and we could just arrange a stitch up in private. And I could have stayed in bed instead of having to get up and do morning radio interviews. It's terribly inconvenient to have to spout so much crap at my age, my bowel movements will suffer for weeks. You've no idea how badly Kaye Adams irritates my piles."

Respected political commentator 'Baby' Oilin Cockring, famous throughout the BBC Scotlandshire news office for his objectivity and firm grasp of political reality, said:

"I hate Jowly Eck, I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him, and that's all you need to know. My nationalist friends are keeching themselves at the stalwart unionist response to their rupturist plan. What do you mean I'm making it up? I've got loads of Nationalist pals, and Martian pals and invisible pals. I'm a popular guy me.

"Anyway, my childhood teddy bear Mr Beardy voted SNP once, but now he says he is 'vewy vewy afwaid', because Alastair Darling is 'scawee'. So the No campaign has this in the bag. And I hate Jowly Eck, have I said that already?

"However I must say that this Lib Dem proposal is devo-too-far. But then anything short of abolishing the Scotlandshire Parish Council and replacing it with a commission of senior Conservatives is dangerous to this great United Kingdom of ours and just pandering to Jowly Eck's cleavage blackmail.

"Did I mention I hate Jowly Eck? It's just I'm not imaginative enough to think up a more inventive nick name for him. Got my feet too firmly grounded in real life me. But if that bastard gets his way I'll never get a knighthood for services to toadying like the Minger's or a pew in the Lords after I retire."

Last Lib Dem standing Wullie Rennie MSP said: "I just drive the minibus to conference, so I dunno why you're asking me. But I was told to tell you that we're delighted that Minge has produced this large-print report.

He was up all night dictating it to his home-help you know. It's a serious and viable proposal, which has got as much chance of being put into law as Nick Clegg does of winning the Grand National on a spacehopper, naked and with a copy of his student fees pledge rammed up his bahoochie.

"But hey, whit can ye dae?"

Labour's Ian Davidson MP, chairGBH of Westminster's Committee for Lying Openly to Wayward Nationalist Scots growled:

"Yese waant an extension ae powers eh? A'll gie yese an extension ae powers. A'll extend ma fist tae your face."

Scotlandshire Labour leader Johann Lamont was unavailable for comment even though our reporter left a number of messages on the Scottish Conservatives' answer machine.

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