By Prof John Poultice, The world's only polling expert

BBC Scotlandshire's July poll of almost 1000 punters wholly justifies Johann Lamont's assertion that some people in Scotlandshire are worthless scroungers who sit around on their arses, doing sod all, and spending the handouts from hard working families on excessive booze and other leisure drugs.

When asked "Whose funding should be cut first?", 1.6% of respondents answered "Me". At first we thought we had stumbled upon a rare group of recipients of public largesse who felt guilty about their parasitical status in the community. However, 8.8% of respondents wanted the first cuts to fall on "everyone else except me", which suggested a rather larger group of selfish bastards.

Further analysis revealed a semantic confusion. In fact, they all assumed that "me" didn't refer to them, but to the author of the poll question.

When I asked myself for a response to this finding, I replied, "I am delighted that 98.4% of the population have no wish to see my funding reduced in the first tranche of cuts. This is especially important as someone not dissimilar to me is due £223,481 by the end of the year for a study of public attitudes to the referendum. BBC Scotlandshire readers are a vital part of this research and I look forward to sending £1 to the person who answered all the questions correctly (in the judgement of the Head of Bias and Propaganda). That almost 10% think that I should be the last to be cut is extremely gratifying."

3.2% felt that the first cuts should be made to the funding of "that wee wumman in the next street". Amazingly, all of them had the same post code. Less amazingly, they comprised the entire population near to Johann Lamont's house. One local resident commented, "She's a stuck-up bitch. Every time I ask her a question about Labour policy she refuses to answer."

The political ignorance of the people is reprehensible. UK party politicians exist to be elected. To have policies would alienate some voters who think Labour shouldn't have Tory policies. Since the UK parties have nothing else but Tory policies, silence is the best policy.

Gratifyingly, 41.1% of respondents wanted to cut funding immediately from Scots Lords and MPs. This level of overwhelming rejection of Scottishness was quite unexpected, and shows that the U-KOK propaganda arguments are having a great effect. As Lord George Ffoulkes of Westminster pointed out, "I'm British through and through. It's great that the peasants in North Britain accept that only the British ruling class should be allowed at the trough, and not these separatist Natz bastards."

The prime target for immediate cuts, however, was spoof broadcaster 'BBC London (Glasgow Office)'. 45.3% targetted them for excision from the public purse.

U-KOK head, Alastair "is my" Darling, welcomed the finding. "Until the spoof channel raises itself to the high standards of partiality shown by BBC Scotlandshire, it will be shunned by all.

"It is moving in the right direction by getting rid of Derek Bateman, and sidelining Izzy Fraser. However, Fraser's shocking display of impartiality by daring to ask Brian Wilson about the McCrone Report continues to cast the spoof channel into the Stygian gloom of separatist propaganda."

Apparently, the separatist leader was on Russian TV, complaining again, but ignoring everything he says is the best tactic.

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