By Ronald McDonald, Our McWashington McCorrespondent

Alex Salmond is in the process of handing in his badge and gun and retiring from politics after Barack Obama stepped in to stop separation.

In a major coup for anti-separation group U-KOK, the President of the United States handed Ian Taylor a war chest of money and supplies in order to mass-produce propaganda technology which will be code-named ‘Blether Together’.

The technology, thought to be a huge innovation in political communication, was used widely during Obama’s election campaigns although the system will have to be altered as 2008 was a long time ago.

UKOK laughed off suggestions the alteration would be needed because they have under 0.0000001% of the activists Obama had.

Alistair Darling, U-KOK head, said: “Real Scots know that there is something bigger. As part of a strong United Kingdom, we have the clout to get access to technology in order to contact foreigners if we really have to. There are no guarantees that would be the case in a separate Scotlandshire.

“My good friend Barack has kindly made a contribution so that Scotlandshire remains chained to the United Kingdom. It’s the right thing for real Scots, and it’s the right thing for the biggest countries in the world who need assurance that the UK is OK.”

BBC Scotlandshire understands that the technology, which U-KOK claims is “a new state of the art canvassing tool”, combines Bell’s telephone and Babbage’s new Analytical Engine. The system is to help challenge the supposed dominance of ‘Cybernats’ – a nasty, vile, co-ordinated, online fascist mob ninja gang of drugged-up Nazi-attired separatists.

U-KOK head Rob Murray, who fronts the propaganda video, said: “The combination of Bell from Scotlandshire and England's Babbage shows we really are better together. Though it's a shame we've had to bring in those separatist Seppo foreigners, especially a bunch of left-wing ones as well.

“Nobody has ever had anything like this system in the UK - that is a U-KOK guarantee. If real Scots vote Yes now, they’ll be missing out on all this stuff. We’re stronger when we blether together.”

A telephone, or phone, is an obscure telecommunications device that permits two or more users to conduct a conversation when they are not in the same vicinity of each other to be heard directly.

The word telephone has been adapted into the vocabulary of many languages. It is derived from Greek - τῆλε, tēle, far and φωνή, phōnē, voice - together meaning distant voice. This makes it a perfect medium for the far distant voices of MPs in Westminster to communicate with their subjects in Scotlandshire.

Further evidencing the global reach Scotlandshire can only achieve as part of the union (and U-KOK’s lack of activists) it is believed canvassing will be outsourced to India, where local people will be given names such as ‘Dougie McLetchie fae Inverary’ before phoning voters and reading from a prepared U-KOK script.

Questions are believed to include: ‘Do you realise Scotlandshire will be ejected from the EU but also forced to use the Euro?’ and ‘Are you aware your airports will be bombed and the pandas will have to leave if Scotlandshire separates?’

A statement delivered by a spokespigeon on behalf of pretend ‘Labour in Scotlandshire’ leader Johann Lamont said: “This is a great new development U-KOK have got from they Yank separatist bastirts.

“It would be really good if they’d share it with us. If we had one ay they telephone things and it could be rigged up to ma bunker, I might be able to make comments more often like about Falkirk and that.”

A spokesman for One Nation Labour in London said: “There is no way on God’s green earth this new technology will be shared with Labour in Scotlandshire.

"Johann’s comments about Falkirk and Trident are currently on their way to her by horse and carriage, and should be available early next week so long as the coach isn’t attacked by highwaymen.”

A tweetsperson for separatist business network Business For Scotlandshire said: “We don't think blether means what they think…it means to talk nonsense. So their new phone tool is for…oh.”

Hippies for Separation released a short statement, saying: “U-KOK launch 'Blether Together’. Blether means “idle, foolish or irrelevant talk”. Sounds about right.” The statement was then folded into the shape of a paper plane and flown towards a wish tree where it crashed into flames.

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