By Reeks O'Ralgex, our Sports Editor

Following reports of more doping scandals among well-known sportsmen, the Scottish government has proposed a unique solution to the problem of performance enhancing drugs.

Shona Robison MSP, Scotlandshire's 'Minister' for Commonwealth Games and Sport, made the announcement at a junket meeting of the International Olympic Committee in Lausanne, Switzerland on Monday, causing shock waves to run through the muscular buttocks of international elite sport.

Currently, top-flight athletes who fail a single test for a controlled substance face an almost certain ban from competition, and may be dropped by their national associations making it very difficult to continue their training at the required level. There have even been calls recently for automatic life-bans for a first offence.

This has led to a number of highly successful sportsmen and women being effectively removed from the international scene, often at the height of their powers. This often happens for what appears to be rather trivial breaches of the rules, which may have been quite accidental on the part of the athlete.

The Scottish Government's proposal is to turn this situation on its head.

Just as there is an Olympic games and a Paralympic games to allow disabled athletes to compete - despite their only occasionally being able to reach the level required to participate in the able-bodied games - the SNP have suggested the creation of a third games, to be known as Super Olympics or Paralytic games.

Athletes who are found to have taken performance enhancing drugs would be banned, as now, from the Olympics and Paralympics, but would be allowed to compete in the Paralytics. Athletes whose performances have been artificially boosted by chemical means would be encouraged to compete in the new games, creating a new, even more elite level of competition.

Shona Robison believes that these new games would be much more exiting than the existing meetings as new world records would be broken almost continuously and performances would be unpredictable and often breathtaking.

Holyrood also plans to allow participants in the Paralytic games to drink heavily before and during competition. They believe that running against intoxicated athletes will help to emphasise the achievements of the chemically enhanced. They expect that audiences will also enjoy laughing at the antics of the drunken competitors, making the Paralytics more popular with the general public.

Ms Robison told a BBC Scotlandshire reporter, "We widnay try to stoap them taking drugs, instead we wid expect them tae take pure hunners o' drugs. An then we'd get some ay them really pissed and laugh at them falling over the hurdles an aw that."

First Minister Alex Salmond added, "Scotlandshire has huge resources in this area, with over 25% of the EU's drugs lying within our borders. We also have a target to produce 100% of our own booze requirements by 2020, one of the most ambitious of any country in the world.

"There will also be lots of fun for the punters. We might bet on how many Buckies a sprinter would need before he would agree to slip into the secret bunker with Johann. or how many high jumpers will accidentally clear the pole vault.

"An independent Scotlandshire would do very well in international sport if drug taking was to be encouraged rather than banned. We would expect to take many of the gold medals at the inaugural Paralytic games in Rio."

However, a spokesblair for Better Together said "Nobody in the Unionist camp disputes that a separate Scotlandshire might well win loads of gold medals in their 'Junkylympics'. But they would just send them straight to 'Cash for Gold' to prop up the Scottish economy, which all economists tell us would collapse within weeks of leaving our lovely Union.

"After all, Greece was the first country to start a new Olympic movement" he opined, "and look at how badly they are doing now. Scotlandshire would go the same way if it separated. Greeks are foreigners. Scots would also become foreigners. It stands to reason.

"And after the Greeks, it was the French - and they eat snails and smell bad, by the way".

President of the IOC, Jaques Rogge declined to comment directly on the Scottish Government's plans, saying simply, "Scotlandshire weel, how you say, need to apply for membership of the IOC if she leaves the UK, and she may not get back een.

"Was that all right, David? Deed I strike the correct note of fear? Good, I shall expect a full 'Sepp Blatter' on my desk when I get back. Sheet, ees that still turned on......"

Token leaderine of the Red Tories in Scotlandshire Johann Lamont was unavailable for comment as she has been conducting an experiment on the international space station. She is being monitored to see if talking utter shite is possible in space. This fully explains her recent unexplained and inexplicable silence - on everything.

Apparently, from the perspective of space - the final stairhead - she can at last determine whether Scotlandshire is really the only 'something for nothing' culture on the planet. We await her return with interest.

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