By Geeza Joab, Our Employment Correspondent

Our readers may be interested to know that an exciting job opportunity has arisen within Better Together, the campaign to save our glorious union.

We at BBC Scotlandshire work very closely with our partners in Better Together, especially since this means we don’t have to do much work and can instead be rewarded for simply posting other people’s work, so we’re very excited about this new addition to the team!

Come and join Project Fear UKOK, making the positive case for the Union.

With just over 400 days go until we go to the polls, and over 300 years since the union, we at Westminster have just realised we need a Research and Engagement Officer to help us understand Scotlandshire.

This role is, we very much hope, a once in a lifetime opportunity to save the union and put the separatists back in their box. The post is initially temporary until October 2014. However - assuming we win the referendum - it may become a job for life, searching for a positive case for the union.

Person spec:
You will have an excellent understanding of the social, economic and political policy landscape of Scotland (but not enough to have become a separatist yet) and extensive awareness of the referendum policy debates so far (except any arguments for separation, of which there are of course none).

The successful candidate will be a passionate and positive team player (under the Project Fear definition of "positive" which can be found in the staff handbook, section 47.2a, ie gloomy, pessimistic, disparaging, hostile etc)

You will be responsible for producing and disseminating ridiculous incisive propaganda "making the case for a strong Scotlandlandshire" within a strong, nuclear armed, top-table sitting, massively over-centralised UK, including assisting our loyal media in disseminating the potential horrendous, life-threatening, terrifying impacts of separation.

You will help develop relationships with key individuals and organisations across Scotlandshire, ensuring they are all voting no by any means necessary including bribery, corruption, threats and thumb screws.

You will have experience of political and/or issue campaigns, for example organising Orange Walks or being a Labour councillor. Experience of stakeholder management would also be useful, possibly including succulent lamb, bribery, corruption and Labour selection procedures.

You will be a first class communicator – able to quickly turn complex ideas and data into terrifying scaremongering one-dimensional propaganda with which to bash the Natz. You must be conversant with social media as a key method of communication and engagement in this new-fangled modern world. In particular, familiarity with deleting posts and banning users is critical.

Applicants will be expected to provide examples of their past slurs against Dictator Eck and the separatists in 140 characters or less. Being economic with the truth is a key skill for this role.

You will be adept at showing very little initiative or critical thinking, even if you may be capable of such. You will also understand that any decisions, initiative or work you undertake will be subject to being undermined, overruled or generally ignored by your betters in London.

To apply for this post as part of the most positive grassroots campaigns Scotlandshire has ever seen, please send a CV with a one-page A4 covering letter explaining all the ways you really, really, really hate Alex Salmond and outlining exactly how much you hate him. Successful candidates will be asked to expand on this during the interview.

Being bilingual in London English and any Scotch dialect may be a disadvantage. Scotch monoglots should not apply. Please apply this simple test - If you have ever used the Scotch term "outwith", you will be eliminated.

If called for interview, you will be expected to wear your old school tie. Please note that "old" in this context does not mean that grubby thing left over from your days at a Scotch comprehensive sink, but an indication that your school dates from at least 1440, and is included in the list of schools identified as "Public" in the English Act of 1868.

The post carries -
An excellent salary (£s higher than the New Cumnock average wage)
Four weeks holiday a year (from 2016)
A pension (subject to you not f**king up and losing us the referendum in which case you’ll be stuck behind the militarized border of a separate Scotlandshire, under dictatorial SNP rule with no pension at all!)

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