Ruthie's SPICe source

By Dee Vine, Fashion Correspondent and Former Temporary Assistant Deputy Head of Bias, following Brian Taylor's demotion, now demoted too – bastards!

job-centre-signRuth Davidson declared on Newsnicht that her claim that 88% of Scots were "useless scroungers" was backed up by a SPICE briefing.

Political geeks (like Nat Butcher who dumped me from my job – bastard!) assumed that SPICE referred to the Scottish Parliament Information Centre.

I can exclusively reveal that the advice originated with Posh SPICE.

My source is clear that Davidson's source was Mrs Beckham – and with her dress sense, Davidson should take every bit of advice she can from that source!

MacChuckemup Services (Hacking and Tapping – Extortion and Blackmail are Purely Incidental, M'Lud) revealed that Posh had phoned Davidson to ask where Kelty was and to find out how many 5 star hotels it had, since she and Becks had decided that Kelty was such an unusual name that they had decided to conceive another child there.

Using her advanced computer skills, Davidson provided Posh with this link, Kelty Estate and assured her that "windows that open" ensured 5* status in both Kelty, Oregon and Kelty, Fife.

Impressed by her contact with such a fashion icon, Davidson tremulously said that she had to deliver a speech to her superiors in Birmingham about Scotland. Did Her Worshipfulness have any advice?

Unfortunately, there was a technical fault at this point. MacChuckemup provided this technical explanation.

"The daft bitch had been fiddling around in her Apps, and switched the translation App from "normal", to "translate" then back and forwards between "EtonianCrap" and "EstuarineWhine" – nae wunner the Blackberry (can they no gie it the richt Scots name o, Bramble?) blew a circuit.

MacChuckemup used their advanced translation device - Mrs McHeroin (14) – to decipher what the divine Victoria had said, and what the Scots Tory Leaderene had heard.

Said : "Fu** yew! Aah cain't read Scotch crap in 'at link! I cain't read! Shi'e! Do 12 of yew perennial scroungers pay tax a' all? 88 describes all Scotch birds – fa' ladies!"

Heard : "For your crew. All current Scots contemporary links show 12 percent pay tax. 88% of contributors are scroungers"

All Unionist political parties active in Scotland were asked to respond.

Master James Krankie (64) responded for both SLAB and SCONe "Ruthie's doon in the bunker wi Johann, an ah've goat the contract tae dae baith o them. Fandabiedoaszie! Whit wis the question?

Barely active Lib Dem "leader" insisted on giving a comment, even though he wasn't asked. "So that's why I never see Johann and Ruth in the same meeting! It's great how wee Jimmie runs from one side of the chamber to the other without my noticing anything", before adding, "But hey, whit can you do, eh?"

Ian Davidson MP, Chair was legless.


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