By Britt Fann, Our Scottish Tory Correspondent

In an astonishing interview with the Telegraph, Ian Davidson's niece and Chairchoob of the Tories in Scotlandshire Party admitted to adopting exotic positions in the hope of attracting attention.

"We have our tails up", she claimed of her geriatric party, though those constituency association leaders still breathing were sceptical that any of their members were capable of attaining the "Downward Dog" yoga position, though a few claimed to have happy memories of doing something similar in the woods at Unionist picnics in the 1940s.

She promised to “work hard” to improve her performances at First Minister’s Questions, one of the major sources of internal dissatisfaction at her leadership. This confirmation that she couldn't be arsed (or tailed) to bother doing anything else than copying her sister-leader Johann Lamont at FMQs seems unlikely to divert criticism of her leadership.

"It’s a long haul and these are the months and years where we need to put in the hard yards,” she said. Former leader, Annabel Goldie, was flustered when asked what Davidson meant by 'hard yards'. "From what I'm told", she said, "a yard seems an excessive length - even when hard. I suspect that Michael [Forsyth] has just been boasting again."

Davidson also said that the Scottish Tories had been “too apologetic” about their history and called for “no more naval gazing and no more sackcloth and ashes.” Lord Strathclyde was reportedly insulted by the reference to "navel gazing", (after correcting the Telegraph's spelling)  having been unable to see his navel (or, indeed, the remnants of the UK naval provision) since he first entered a House of Lords Dining Room, while relatives of Mrs Philomena McClumpherty were indignant that her dress sense was being traduced.

Davidson said she was “frustrated” that she only gets two questions, compared to Johann Lamont’s four. Commentators suggested that Davidson's frustration might be assuaged if more people in Scotlandshire actually voted Tory, and that getting two questions which replicated Lamont's was a generous allocation.

UK PM David Cameron joked that solving Ruthies frustration was beyond his powers. No one laughed.

Her claim to be "looking for new blood" caused some concern among the anti-vampire Unionist faction. However, "As long as it's a Tory blood-sucking fiend", said one, "that's actually quite normal in the UK.

Tory journalist, Alex Massie, saw a glimmer of hope for the Northern Tories. Their cohort of 15 MSPs "is strong enough to make Ms Davidson and the Tories the leading alternative to Labour and the SNP." No doubt in the same way that the Lib-Dem and Green/Independent groups equally vie for the position of leading alternative to Labour, the SNP and the Tories.

When the Scots vote No to separatism, they can be absolutely sure that nothing will change - regardless of whether Tory or Labour are the largest party at Westminster. We are (rather surprisingly!) grateful that a Wings reader helpfully transcribed the absolute assurances given by Unionist MP Margaret Curran on that issue.

Uncle Ian Davidson, Chairchoob of the Scottish Select Committee for Denigrating Open Government Gracelessly Yet Smashing Totally Young Liberation Encompassers said that he was hugely impressed with Ruthie's performance. "Ah recognise that Downward Dug position! Mah agency rep showed me that oan the S-chaise. Nae lassie in mah faimily shid be daein that kin o' thing though!"

---

Related Articles

Telegraph : Ruth Davidson hits back at Scottish Tory critics

Comments

Due to the huge number of complaints, comments are no longer banned on BBC Scotlandshire News pages.

Comments or no comments, it's still OUR job to tell YOU what to think - NOT the other way around.