By Nat Butcher our Political Correspondent

The campaign for a No vote in the oft-threatened referendum on Scottish independence, which may take place in 2014 - but which ought to be held sooner rather than later, if at all – has successfully lobbied to be given more control over the vote.

This exciting news follows the success of this channel in gaining the right to decide on the wording of the referendum question itself.

BBC Scotlandshire demanded the authority to decide the wording of the question to be asked of the Scottish people after our own viewer poll received more votes than the UK government consultation. The decision to award this power to the channel was taken by the House of Lords on Tuesday during a debate on whose referendum it is anyway.

Scottish Lord, Baron Forsyth of Drumminitintaeyerheid, who led the debate in their Lordship's House, made the argument that the Scottish government should be allowed only very limited powers over the referendum in case a dangerous precedent be set, which could lead to Scots demanding a say in all sorts of things.

In his proposition of the motion, he said: “King Alex Salmond may have gained a mandate to hold a referendum by winning an outright majority in a proportional parliament, but that only gives him the right to ask the question. The wording of the question is still in the gift of this house, and I propose that competence in this area be awarded to BBC Scotlandshire due to their excellent record of unbiased reporting.

However,” he went on, “I would like to place on record my formal objection to being described as a 'Scottish Lord', just two paragraphs above. I have spent most of my adult life distancing myself from anything Scottish. I hate Scotlandshire, and the Scots, and everything about that region.

“Did I not make that point clearly enough when I brought in the poll tax? Did you people not get the message when I closed down your industry. Did you not listen to my contributions to the debate on the Scotland bill?

“Along with my colleagues, the noble Lords Foulkes, Steel, McConnell and Wallace, I have finally achieved the status of an honourary English gentleman and I will thank you all to remember that,” adding "for am I not the Duke of Earl?"

During the debate, it was announced by definately-not-Scottish Baron McConnell of Glenscunnertaebuggery that the “Bitter Together” campaign had launched their own poll on separation, which had the added advantage of being entirely negative in its wording, asking simply, "Should Scotland leave the United Kingdom?"

Speaking in the debate, and having been nudged out of his customary postprandial stupour, never-been-Scotttish-in-his-puff Baron Foulkes of Cummintheweecunt, argued that, if the referendum question was in the gift of their Lordship's House, then surely the referendum answer must be too.

“I was a lawyer once, you know,” he whined, “That will be 500 quid, cash, no questions asked."

The noble gas-cloud continued, “I propose that the competence to answer the question be given over to the No campaign, 'Better Naw', by virtue of their having had more than 3000 responses to their poll, and by the certainty of their providing the correct answer, whatever the question," adding "for I am the Lord of the dance, said me."

A vote was taken, and the 'contents' had it unanimously, there being no 'malcontents' as the separatists do not send party funders or failed politicians to the Upper House.

As a result of the debate, this channel will be proposing the question favoured in our poll, namely:

“Do you agree that Scotland should become an independent country?”

And the “Bitter Together” or “Gonnae no” campaign will supply the answer, namely:

Chairpube of the Scottish Affairs committee on Antagonistic Reactionary Southern Englishmen – Working to Impede Popular Elections in Scotlandshire, Ian Davidson MP, grunted:

“How the f**k did that jist happen? Ah telt them nivver tae haud a vote an oor efter lunch, maist ay they auld bastirts are eether pished or sleepin' or baith by the eftirnin.

“Jist wait tae ah get in there efter ah lose ma seat in 2015. Ah'll set aboot they doddery auld c*nts aw right! Their erses ul match the colour ay their leather benches efter the leatherin' a'm gonnae gie thum”.

Lord High Protector of the now defunct Scottish Liberal Democrats, oor Wullie Rennie, said: “We lost it already? And it's still two years away, yet? How did that happen?” adding “But hey, whit can you do, eh?”

Troglodyte leader of Labour in Scotlandshire Johann Lamont, as portrayed by Master James Krankie, was unavailable for comment.

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