By Professor John Poultice, The World's Only Polling Expert

I couldn't believe the results of BBC Scotlandshire's latest poll. Amazingly, 91% of respondents failed to express any trust at all in the noble band of politicians, whose every effort is being expended to save their own skins the UK Union. 

Unsurprisingly, the second-class group (the MSPs) failed to gather more than a handful of votes. Between them, Lamont, Davidson and Rennie were considered by few to be worthy candidates for the "Saviour of Britain" award.

After all, if they were of any use at all, they would have managed to arrange their transfer to the Mother (and Father, and multi-generational grandsires) of Parliaments, instead of the pretendy wee building in Scotlandshire that houses the Parish Council.

However, that 22 people (4% of the cohort) were willing to express trust in them suggests that, in a century or so, Westminster might consider devolving some further responsibilities to the Parliament in Edinburgh. These could include functions privatised in England.

The two Scotlandshire MPs - Darling and Brown - were expected to be the repositories of more trust but this didn't happen. Only 3.6% of respondents were naive enough (though charmingly so) to place their trust in Scottish MPs to have any influence over the future of Scotlandshire.

The only real point of interest is, of course, the level of trust that Scots place in the leaders of the main UK parties to save Scotlandshire from the evils of separatism. Readers are expected to understand that separation from London rule is evil, while ending the European Union involves no separation at all.

That Clegg was seen as an irrelevant bit player in any significant political decision was anticipated, and was confirmed by the poll - less than 1% having any faith in him. That only 1% thought Miliband, and a rather derisory 0.3% Cameron would save the Union was astonishing.

I still can't believe it. Just as Donald Dewar is known satirically as the "Father of the Nation", I had hoped to be able to award a fitting nomination to his spiritual (if illegitimate) successor as the "Bastard who Saved Britain". Alas that position may never be filled.

Never mind, to keep up my income, please vote early and often in BBC Scotlandshire's new poll!

(Ed - John, you were quite right not to believe the results. When we read your analysis, we had one of our guys have a look at the coding. Turns out that there was a 'programming error' which transferred all Cameron's votes to the spoof "Doomed" response. Consequently, Cameron is the official bastard with that 91%. Next time, we expect you to realise that any unexpected answer is just wrong, and ask us to correct the data before you write your article.)

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