London should separate from EU and UK

By Withered VineOur London Fashion and Cultural Trending Correspondent

boris bute houseAlex Salmond has refused to meet with London's separatist dictator, Boris Johnson, to discuss a joint strategy to break up the UK and EU. "Being an equal member of a greater single market makes sense", said Salmond, "but withdrawing from every union into North Korean isolationism, based on a single volatile industry is just insanity.

While the current proposal is for fiscal autonomy for London, the 'slippery slope' from enjoying a bit of freedom to sliding to disaster is well documented.

Mountaineering Council of Scotland's Heather Morning said the situation could pose the greatest risk to women. "A friend of mine, in a bid to search out somewhere discreet out of the sight of the rest of the party, stepped onto an old patch of snow and headed off down the hill with her pants round her ankles", she warned.

Despite London having no mountains, and precious little snow (though it grinds to a halt when a few snowflakes fall), Yorkshire and Labour MP Yvette Cooper warned that the slippery slope analogy applied to London's claim for enhanced devolution just as much as to Scotland.

Commenting on the suggestion that the capital of rUK would have to move from London to York, she said :

"Not that I'm in Yorkshire very much, but I'm told that it's cold, hilly and toiletless 'Oop North' as well, and there's no way I'm risking that happening to me. If London goes independent, I'll stick with London and pee in a civilized way."

Marc Waterman, partner in the London Office of accountantcy giant Hacker Young, warned that the finance industry was hugely volatile. 

“For years", he said, "London was streets ahead of other UK towns and cities in generating wealth for the economy, driven by its huge financial services industry. But, London’s fire power has been weakened. Investment banking has recovered since then, but nobody now believes that this sector can continue to deliver exponential growth. Although Edinburgh also has a large financial services sector, but it is less volatile compared to the City of London."

Margaret Hodge MP, chair of the UK Public Accounts Committee failed to comment on allegations that she was being two-faced in attacking Google for paying corporation tax in Ireland, while their sales activities took place in the UK, but making no comment on London based companies doing exactly the same thing in regard to Scotlandshire and other parts of the UK.

Stephen Midday, a separatist adviser to the Holyrood administration, might have made the outrageous claim that Londoners actually didn't produce the £10bn net contribution to the UK that they claim. "Those tax receipts that the Exchequer gets from London headquartered companies aren't all the result of economic activity in London", he could have said, "but simply Google type operations. Where do the corporation tax receipts for oil and whisky show up in the UK accounts?"

U-KOK head Alastair Darling proved difficult to contact, as his funding from London Tories appeared to have been cut off - and consequently his mobile phone. When I eventually contacted him, he was emphatic that London should stay in the UK. "Look", he predictably said, "I have houses in London and elsewhere. I don't want to own foreign things. Foreign things are really, really nasty. Thats why I'm really, really glad that those alien eyebrows have gone elsewhere."

farage pubWhile forced to take refuge in a pub away from Edinburgh students (aye! that'll be right) Niggle Forage UKIP leader said, "Clearly, the office of the London Mayor should be abolished along with all other devolved administrations, and local government, and the UN, and every other link with foreigners. When I persuade Her Majesty to appoint me as Prime Minister, all these challenges to central authority will be swept aside and my gauleiters will simply impose my decisions on everyone. That is real democracy in my reality."

London Consultancy Group, 'Daft Ideas', who produced the 507 questions for U-KOK said that they didn't apply to London. "Most aspects are simply niggling little procedural points about the transition to London independence, so they aren't worth thinking about at this stage."

Ian Davidson, Chairchoob of the Scottish Affairs Committee for Professional Londoners Overcoming Nationalist Knobbers Encompassing Rabid Salmondites said he was concerned. "Ah'm concerned that if ra House of Commons his tae move tae York, then the 'professional agencies' Ah rely oan tae provide compliant staff fir ma reclining furniture willnae be available in a backwater like York. Mind you, if they mean New York, Ah unnerstaun that their facilities fir relaxing tired an emotional brutal politicians ur even better - Bring it oan!"

Older readers will remember the 1949 classic film "Passport to Pimlico" where a part of London attempted separation after a discovered charter says that they are part of France and not England. Were that to be repeated, London might have to be partitioned, as different parts of it declare themselves to be part of the EU. The real danger of this is demonstrated with a Frenchman involved in passing laws for Scotlandshire.

Hamish McGrouty, Chair of the Auchenshoogle Branch of the SNP said, "The Leader has decreed that he has no territorial ambitions in Britain - but times change. If London breaks away from England, then it makes sense for the rest of it to be up for grabs. The Welsh and Cornish can decide where their respective spheres of influence will run, and the Isle of Man has a respectable case for taking the North West of England under its protection.

"Should the area north of Durham make a respectful request to be incorporated into an independent Scotland, that request should be positively considered. Yorkshire might be considered as their incorporation would greatly help Scotlandshire's crap cricket team. But that's the limit."

Following the marginal advantage that the Deputy FM, was thought by some separatists, to have scored over hapless Michael Moore in the STV (Borderers excluded) debate, the marketability of Nicola Sturgeon has increased. In desperation, her husband was forced to outbid other admirers for a raunchy portrait of the DFM. Unsurprisingly, the portrait was done by a French artist.

BBC Scotlandshire has already warned about the moral corruption of the nation that results from allowing the French to infiltrate our ethnic purity.


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