By Professor John Poultice, The World's Only Polling Expert

I was delighted when BBC Scotlandshire asked me to announce the results of their latest poll on political satire. I was even more pleased to get yet another fee for doing so.

Sadly political satire seldom seems to bring about change in established states.

This 1940s US cartoon by Dr Seuss is just as relevant to 21st century UK, so there is obviously no point in trying to improve anything.

Interestingly, the only two professionally produced political satires among the nominations - Obama for impersonating Daniel Day Lewis impersonating Obama, and Salmond for the Rev I M Jolly skit failed to reach the top 3 positions.

Worryingly, less than 1% of voters rated the efforts of the President of the United States. The response of the USA to this insult to their Head of State and Armed Forces Commander-in-Chief is difficult to predict. Analysts consider a nuclear missile strike on Scotlandshire unlikely, as their missiles are already here masquerading as the UK's "separate nuclear deterrent". It is considered that they may exercise a trade boycott of important Scotlandshire exports that their Geographic Warfare Division consider to be distinctively Scottish. These include: spaghetti, Edam cheese, Devon cream and Bockwürste.

Salmond's Jolly (not to be confused with his Ryder Cup trip to the USA) did gain a moderately humiliating 6% of the vote, but that was still more than the leaders of Scotlandshire's minor parties could attain. Tory Leaderene Ruth Davidson got a mere 2% of the vote for her attempts to impersonate Johann Lamont. Further research suggests that this is entirely due to respondents not realising that Davidson and Lamont are actually two different people. Wullie Rennie gathered a derisory 4% vote, as voters considered his performance to be a "wholly ridiculous over-caricature of a Lib-Dem leader". As one respondent said, "While the Lib-Dems are irrelevant shite, even they can't have chosen such a useless wanker as leader. The performance was wholly unconvincing."

Labour in Scotlandshire leader Johann Lamont was honoured to get third place with 20% of the vote, for her impersonation of Jimmy Krankie, according to a spokebot. "Johann reckons that could be the high point of her career, and significantly exceed the share of the vote she'll get in 2016."

The top two nominees, U-KOK and spoof channel BBC, received two nominations each, but the spoof channel beat Alastair Darling's creditable efforts in both their first and second class categories.

U-KOK had hoped for a good response to their idea of continuing to distribute leaflets highlighting the UK's AAA credit rating after that rating had gone, but only 5% voted for that choice. It turned out that the supposed distribution of these leaflets was just a Twitter scam, and that no 'volunteers' had actually existed to move them beyond the U-KOK office.

BBC London, with its long experience in the field polled 12% for their selection of London BBC panelists from conservative ranks to impersonate rebels against the establishment. "Even if they start out as rebels", said a BBC insider, "the large fees we pay them to sneer at anyone who isn't 'one of us' soon changes their attitudes. We are hopeful that Kate Higgins will succumb to our blandishments as well, in due course."

For the top place, however, the decision was a close run thing. U-KOK gained 24% for their brilliant stratagem of simply describing themselves as U-KOK, but were narrowly beaten by the 25% voting for BBC's Newsnicht and Gordon Brewer's superb performance as a witless interviewer unaware of the irony of asking guests why his channel didn't do political satire.

US satire consultant Jon Stewart said. "Brewer's performance was brilliantly subtle and naive. In the US, we need to be 'over the top' in our portrayal of media figures, or the audience just doesn't get it. I'm really impressed by the sophistication shown by both Brewer and his audience that can allow such clever satire to triumph.

Brewer should be extremely proud of this award - although, since he clearly needs a politically astute audience to appreciate his wit, he has no future in American TV."

To keep up my income, please vote early and often in BBC Scotlandshire's new poll!

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