U-KOK tell UKIP - "F**k Off. You're not Scots"

By Ahredda Paper, Our Political Analyst

alien trailU-KOK head Alastair Darling today issued a stern rebuff to UKIP, that Scots aren't Better Together with them. "Look. This is a Scottish debate", he said, "and only Scottish political parties can take part in it. No one else gets to join in.

"Look. The votes (and especially money) from fruitcakes, loonies and closet racists like yourselves, the DUP, much of the Tory party in England, the BNP and the Orange Order are very welcome", he added, "but we can't be seen to be working with you.

"Look. Better Together is a private club composed of politicians in Scotlandshire who make good money out of staying in the UK, or who hope to do so. We're not going to put that at risk out of any misplaced ideas of consistency, honesty or principle."

Disappointed at their snouts being refused permission to root in the trough, UKIP hit back, describing U-KOK as taking a "petty, small-minded attitude", adding, "I see that they believe 'All animals are equal, but some animals are more equal than others'. Well, so do we, but we want to be among the most equal animals."

Scottish Liberal Democrat spokespirit, Wee Wullie Rennie said, "Ya dancer! My party is actually registered as a Scottish Party - in federation with, though subject to, our London bosses. That means Darling and the other Tories will have to leave Better Together, and leave it all to me! The fate of the Union will be in my hands. Damn it, I've dropped the mike. Butterfingers! Bit whit kin ye dae, eh?"

The world's only academic political commentator, Professor John Poultice, said,"I've been waiting for a development like this, ever since Darling's new eyebrows appeared. It's very common for those who are most voluble against change, to be people who despise exactly those stirrings and lusts within themselves, for fear of losing their power and authority.

The 'Scottish Cringe' has been well documented, but few recognise that those who are loudest in its support frequently undergo the most savage internal conflicts between their inner self and their public persona. Darling's inner ethnic nationalist core looks as if it is revolting, in every sense."

kiltsThe world's only Scottish historian, Professor Ahm Divine agreed. "My scholarly article 'Scottish Country Dance Societies - Political Gay Bars?' made exactly that point. Though only Newsnet Scotland picked it up.

"For much of the 20th century, it was as socially unacceptable to want independence for Scotland as it was to be gay.

"Publicly, most felt that they had to conform, but putting on a kilt and dancing with similarly minded people, in dingy locations with Jimmy Shand tracks playing, allowed relief for otherwise respectable Tories, with secret independence longings.

"Imagine their horror, and bitter resentment of  the new 'out' type of Nat happily frolicking to all kinds of music - some of it not even ours! Blethering to foreign types as if 'being Scottish' is a nationality, their main identity among the wide range of identities that they savour, rather than an embarrassment. In many ways, they need to be recognised as the victims they are - not the bigoted, intolerant persona that they feel driven to continue to portray.

"The intolerance shown towards independence from these people is very similar to the behaviour of 'closet queens' who were loudest in their condemnation of homosexuality. 

"In 1951 USA FBI Director and closet deviant J Edgar Hoover instituted a Sex Deviates program to purge alleged homosexuals from any position in the federal government. A stance even more hypocritical than that taken by Cardinal O'Brien.

"In comparison, it is established fact that not a single Scottish Nationalist is employed at UKOK, unless they can hide that deviance from their boss, forced to meet up with similar deviants at secret Nat bars, and in fear that they might come face to face with Mr Darling himself there. The parallel is striking."

darling birds

Meanwhile, in the important part of the UK, Conservatives have refused to rule out a coalition with UKIP in England. "If UKIP wants to put proposals to us, let them go ahead", said a senior Tory.

A U-KOK spokesnout commented, "That shows exactly why two-thirds of Scots are completely wrong to agree with the SNP that the Scottish and UK Governments should enter into pre-referendum talks in order to clarify outstanding issues.

"Obviously, the lies told by a Con/LD Westminster government might vary slightly from the lies told by a Con/UKIP government. This is yet another example of how the SNP is unable to bring certainty to the situation. If they can't even tell us who is going to be in power in Westminster. then they are just living in a fantasy."

In the latest development, U-KOK's brilliant set of 500 questions (inflation making them 507) has produced thousands more, and many of them from separatists themselves!

Millions of Scots are now interrogating the separatists with such vital questions as "Will Auntie Mary hiv a canary, up the leg o her drawers, in a separate Scotlandshire?" Unless they can answer each and every one of these - especially the ones that only the UK Parliament can answer like No 484. If Scotland voted for separation, would Scots be eligible to vote in 2015 UK General Elections? - then they will fail and the glorious Union will go onto even greater glory.


Related Articles

Record : Better Together campaign refuse to work with UKIP in bid to keep Scotland part of union

Daily Mail : UKIP leader follows election triumph with dramatic coalition offer

Newsnet Scotland : Are Better Together Closet Scottish Nationalists?

Newsnet Scotland : New poll shows Westminster is 'out of touch' on pre-referendum talks


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