Blow for the SNP - Labour leader declares himself pro-independence

By Ahmreely OanrarightOur Labour Party Correspondent

miliband yesThere was more bad news for the Yes campaign yesterday after Labour leader Ed Milliband exposed himself as a closet separatist.

The shock announcement came as he was interviewed on a radio station run by the spoof “BBC” channel. “Are Britain’s problems so deep that NOBODY can make a difference to them?” he mused, before concluding, “My emphatic answer is yes!” He then held up a board with the word “Yes” on it to emphasis his decision.

The move surprised Labour’s de facto leader in Scotlandshire, Johann Lamont, who has long argued Scotlandshire should not have any more independence and that the UK is OK.

She said, "This is proof that Scotlandshire leaving the Union would leave Britain unable to be fixed. And it would be selfish of us to have a working country when our neighbours do not and cannot even aspire to this any longer." She then went on to repeat her speech from two weeks ago when she said, “Scotlandshire cannot go it alone as it’s a crappy wee country, a shitey backwater that’ll fail without the big UK looking after us and holding our hands”, before her head began to spin and she fell over.

UKOK head Alisdair Darling said, “Well, this is a real blow to the Yes campaign. It’s clear they have not thought this through at all. First they tell us we can have any currency we want, then they are unable to refute claims by us at Westminster that they can’t because we won’t let them have any currency at all. And it appears that some in the Yes camp don’t even want the pound anyway. Now, on top of all this, they will be forced to admit to having Ed Milliband on their side. Can it get any worse for the SNP this week?”

miliband gromettTory leader in Scotlandshire, Ruth Davidson admitted there has been concern about Milliband for some time now in unionist circles.

“He had been acting strangely,” she said. “For example, he was spotted last week sitting on a bench by the Thames outside Westminster with his dog, saying things like, “No more Wensleydale, Grommit. Going to have to get used to Orkney Chedder and Speyside malts.” In hindsight, a shift in his attitude to countries not being allowed independence should also have been suspected when he was noted parking his camper van just over the border and declaring it a second home for expenses purposes.

And yet despite all this, there was palpable shock within both unionist and separatist camps as, during the interview, first his mouth, then quickly afterwards his entire body defected to the Yes camp.

Only his brain appears to be lagging but political biologist Oz Moses believes this must surely catch up before next September. “There is only so long a brain can remain disengaged from the body parts it operates,” he told the Hootsmon. “This kind of cognitive dissonance is common among politicians, but this is an extreme example of the two being almost entirely at odds with each other.”

However, his brain, speaking in a separate interview later to BBC Scotlandshire refuted this.

bt glasgow

“I think you will find,” it said, “that what he actually said was “Nobody can save the UK. Well, given that his entire body has defected to the Yes camp I, as merely a piece of blubbery matter containing neurons and synapses, am quite literally that: “no body”. I am the saviour of the UK of whom his mouth spoke. I am the same nobody spoken of when people say, “Nobody can save the union. Similarly, recent rumours that nobody is very active in any Better Together local campaigns is entirely true. I am operating all of these entirely by myself, from Glasgow.

Furthermore, I shall be setting up a body parts for the union campaign to counter this ridiculous body parts for independence one we keep being told about on stupidly biased sites like your own which insist on reporting “facts” even when these don’t match the official government rhetoric.

A rattling of chains was heard at this point, and the ghost of Wullie Rennie appeared through a wall, “It’s no fair,” he wailed, “As leader of the Liberal Democrats in Scotlandshire, if anybody qualifies as prime nobody in Scotlandshire it’s me. Now this upstart wee shriveled brain of Ed Milliband thinks he kin come up here and usurp ma position. It’s no on that isnae. Bit whit kin ye dae, eh?”

A spokesperson for the SNP who may be some cabinet minister in the Scotlandshire government, but we can’t be bothered finding out and can’t remember his name said something about Labour appearing confused. Unfortunately we seem to have lost the notebook we wrote it down in. It probably wasn’t important anyway, just the usual nationalist whinging. He also predictably denied Ed Milliband defecting to the separatist side was the blackest day for the SNP since the last blackest day (ie Monday, when it was reported that Salmond cannot guarantee credit cards will still be the correct shape for cash machines in a separate Scotlandshire).


Related Articles

Sun : Ed: Are Britain’s problems so deep that NOBODY can make a difference to them? My emphatic answer is YES

 


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