Independence Result Declaration Announced

By Newt ReenoOur Intergalactic Correspondent

drunkThe 'Alien Shape-Shifting Body Parts Say Yes! Campaign' have declared that their antenna network, which accesses the Black Hole on the Scottish English border and Scotlandshire's vast energy reserves, has now achieved critical mass.

Unfortunately, they refuse to use it for really useful prediction of future events like 'Will Rangers re-enter the SPL?' or 'Who will win/has won the 3.30 at Haydock Park'?

They say that their acquisition of Jammie Tax Dodgers meant that they are sickened by mere greed and gross materialism, and are intent on high moral issues like Freedom. "Additionally", said spokesalien I-Mooth, "we've got £30,000 on the nose for that race at 100-1, and if you think we're sharing that kind of information with you, you are out of your tiny little human mind."

They have, however announced what the result of the Separation Referendum was/will be, although even their advanced technology admits of a small margin of error. It is a very, very small margin of error, however, which is statistically insignificant. They cannot tell whether Jimmy McFarlane of 13 Pitbing Lane, Auchenshoogle was/will be sober enough to -

a) Leave the pub in time to get to the polling station
b) Avoid being intercepted by the blandishments of Miss Netta McLafferty "tae come awa ben and pit yir peencil in mah box" instead of voting
c) Have sufficient lead in his pencil to make his mark in any box anywhere.

With that one single vote unclear, however, they have confidently asserted that the number of votes cast in the referendum was/will be 4,052,752 +/- 1.

The number of votes cast for Aye was/will be 2,026,376 +/- 1.

The number of votes cast for Naw was/will be 2,026,376 +/- 1.

A chorus of Blairs intoned in unison, "Our campaign pays no attention to polls - whether predictive or retrospective. We intend to campaign for every single vote, and Jimmy McFarlane's is no more and no less important than any other."

Strategists for both campaigns, meanwhile are engrossed in creating detailed plans and stratagems to ensure victory. BBC Scotlandshire has had access to these secret documents from both campaigns and, like the predicted result, they are identical.

Suggested actions include -

1. Taking out a contract on Jimmy / Providing him with bodyguards

2. Closing down the Auchenshoogle Inn on health grounds / Providing drink at the Inn at 1897 prices

3. Giving Netta McLafferty new sexy underwear to replace her (last washed in) 1953 knickers / Fitting her with a chastity belt

4. Giving Jimmy a free supply of Viagra / Cutting his balls off

All of these are, of course, as pointless as Jimmy's pencil might be. Neither side knows whether Jimmy taking any action or no action (Sorry Netta) would swing the result their way. Near absolute certainty as to the result is as useless as having not a Scooby Doo.

Should the eventual result be a dead heat, the Coalition of Christian Churches has proposed a Biblical solution to the impasse. This has met with a guarded response from both sides.

Colin Fox, of the SSP, thought that "slaying the first-born of the capitalist class" might be no bad thing, but wasn't sure that the number breakdown would necessarily benefit the Yes side.

Ruth Davidson, Leaderene of the Scotch Tories reckoned that the words of the hymn "All Things Bright and Beautiful" were meant, and sounded fine to her -

The rich man in his castle,
The poor man at his gate,
He made them, high or lowly,
And ordered their estate.

However, Church leaders said that the Judgement of Solomon seemed the most appropriate Kings 3:16-28

solomonThe king said, “This one says, ‘My son is alive and your son is dead,’ while that one says, ‘No! Your son is dead and mine is alive.’”
Then he said, “Bring me a sword.” So they brought him a sword. He then gave an order: “Cut the living child in two and give half to one and half to the other.”
The woman whose son was alive was deeply moved out of love for her son and said to the king, “Please, my lord, give her the living baby! Don’t kill him!” But the other said, “Neither I nor you shall have him. Cut him in two!”
Then the king gave his ruling: “Give the living baby to the first woman. Do not kill him; she is his mother.”
When all Israel heard the verdict the king had given, they held the king in awe, because they saw that he had wisdom from God to administer justice.

"Bugger", said Alastair Darling U-KOK head.

 


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