By Newt Reeno, Our Intergalactic Correspondent

The 'Alien Shape-Shifting Body Parts Say Yes! Campaign' has claimed that it has successfully accessed the Black Hole that exists on the Scottish-English border (exclusively reported on BBC Scotlandshire) to bring glimpses of future events to encourage the Independence debate to concentrate on unbiased facts.

I-Broo Wan told me that few facts about the future were/are/will be as accurate as when they are seen as the past. "However", it warned, "temporal distortions mean that we can't be absolutely sure that they are wholly accurate. For example, I had a fiver at 10 to 1 that (some sporting result) and was totally f**ked when (something).

"As more of our people join us in InterGalactic Collective, our power to deliver you "Future Pastscopes" © MacChuckemup (Interplanetary Lifeforms) will increase. We can promise you that by September 19th 2014, we will have aggregated sufficient bodyparts from inappropriate Unionist hosts, to reduce our margin of error to zero.

"Today we are delighted to announce that we have been joined by I-Lug Wan who has travelled from Buckinghamshire to join the Yes campaign. Though temporarily captured when he escaped from the head of David Lidington, UK Foreign Office Minister, who suggested that a separate Scotlandshire would have no access to their share of the UK listening devices that they had paid for.

"Travelling north, through the Unionist tunnel network (exclusively reported on BBC Scotlandshire), it laid an antenna which enhanced our intelligence gathering network. Of course, the energy demands for such a facility is enormous. Only in Scotlandshire, is such a potential energy provision possible. If we can remove the Scots Hingin Intae Remnant England bit, the energy potential will grow exponentially.

"Also I-Neb has reached us, though he had to do a lot of running to catch up. On behalf of NHS Scotland, he decided to take time off from the campaign to help a protest against privatisation of NHS England. Artist Mark McGowan, who suffers from bowel cancer crawled along the road on his hands and knees pushing a toy pig with his nose the 4.1 miles from Kings College Hospital in Camberwell Green to number 10 Downing Street, to protest against this governments privatisation of their NHS."

I-Neb sniffed, "I couldn't see a fellow neb in such distress. I had to help him out, so I morphed onto Mark's face to provide some protection and assistance. It's because that's the way that the NHS in Scotland works, that both my nostrils are determined to protect it through a Yes vote. Mind you, even with an alien neb involved, the London BBC ignored the whole event. They'll do anything to brown nose to the UK Government. Has anyone got a tissue?"

Alastair Darling the eyebrowless UKOK head said, "These alien body parts are foreigners, and we are delighted to have no more contact with them - nasty, nasty, things foreigners. While we were Better Together with them while we thought they were Brits, we want nothing to do with them now - regardless of how much co-operation between equals might benefit both sides. Lidington and I will eventually look so much better once the scar tissue they left has faded to a decent red on white."

Real Leader of Labour in Scotlandshire, Anas Sarwar, scoffed, "As always, all we get from the Nationalists are assertions. They have no evidence for anything, and all their so-called experts just make stuff up. Nobel Prize winners are well known for doing that, that's why the Swedes give them prizes. Swedes are foreigners and, thereore, totally untrustworthy. On the other hand, our evidence is made up by civil servants that we in the UK pay to be totally impartial in our favour."

Ian Davidson MP, Chairchoob of the Scottish Select Committee for Alienating Livid Intransigent Exuberant Scots said, "Ah've nothin agin aliens.  Some o the best stake holders frae the London agency thit gie me helpers tae hud ma stake as Ah recline,  ur aliens."

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