By Coonttha Cash, Our Economics Correspondent

In a rare visit to parts of Scotlandshire not inhabited by deer or grouse (other than the grouses of his Coalition pals led by Anas Sarwar and recently deceased Wullie Rennie) UK Chancellor George Osborne took advantage of St George's Day to visit Scotlandshire. An aide explained that he had mistakenly understood that no shots would be fired at Georges on such a day.

Speaking on behalf of the impartial civil servants in the UK Treasury, whom he had instructed to prepare a case against any co-operation with a separate Scotlandshire, the Chancellor said, "It's obvious that lots of Scottish things which are essential to the current UK become completely worthless if Scotlandshire becomes a separate country.

"The logic is as simple as I assume Scots are. You will be poorer if we let you keep your resources than if we take them. That is an obvious truth, and our friends in the ScotLab Troof Fairy Team agree with me. Vote No, and the Troof Fairy will leave a shiny new Bank of England penny under your pillow. Vote Yes, and you will never sleep again, as your pillow would be malformed by lots of cash that would make you really uncomfortable.

Osborne explained, "Everything that we control is good. Everything we don't is bad - unless our friends and families make huge profits from them, in which case they are good as long as no other Government controls them."

Sadly, the normally trustworthy media in Scotlandshire did not report Osborne's speech and the Treasury Report with the unquestioning veneration that it was due, and which the London based press duly gave it.

Some even gave extensive coverage to comments from separatist leaders like Alex Salmond and Patrick Harvie, as well as a former member of the Bank of England's Monetary Policy Committee, Danny Blanchflower (older readers will remember Blanchflower's glorious earlier career as captain of Spurs in the 1950s).

UKOK head Alastair Darling gave the most inspiring speech about the future of the pound in Scotlandshire. "Look", he said, "Look, at the moment we have the same pound as they have in England. If you go in to a shop in Carlisle and buy a pound of sugar, the bag is exactly the same size as a pound of sugar in Jedburgh. If Scotlandshire separates, then there is no guarantee that rUK will agree to let you buy a pound of sugar ever again. Actually, you can't buy a poind of sugar anywhere, because the UK uses metric measures, and no shop has bags of sugar weighing 0.453592 kilos, but my point remains clear. Within the UK, a pound will always be a pound, except when we decide that it isn't.

"When your Granny comes to visit you from her Dorsetshire estate, she takes her English banknotes with her, and they are accepted here, although you'll be told to sod off if you try to use your Scottish notes down there. With separation, all that will change. When she comes north for the salmon fishing on your stretch of the river, she'll still bring her English notes, and they'll still be accepted here because they are of the same value as Scottish notes. But when you go south for her Garden Party, you'll have to change your Scottish notes for English ones as the taxi drivers there won't accept your money.

"Mmm, I may not have got that argument quite right."

A SLAB spokesspook said Johann Lamont would make no comment on the issue. "These money things are awfy difficult, and make her head hurt, and she's really tired after being up all night repetitively voting on the Scotland on Sunday poll that she really was a fit person to be FM of Scotlandshire."

Ian Davidson, MP and Chairchoob of the Scottish Select Committee of Perfidious Odious Underhanded Numpty Devious Scots said, "a pun's a pun - jist as lang as it's in ma pooch. Yon London agencies are bluidy expensive, when aw ye need is a wee bit recline."

 Related Articles

HM Government : Scotland analysis: Currency and monetary policy

Yes Scotland : Answering your questions on currency

Herald : Osborne: indy Scotland currency deal would be deep dive into unknown water 

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