The Reds slay the Eckerjock! A conference through the looking glass

By Llando MacBelieveOur Alternative Reality Correspondent in Inverness

red queenThe Red Queen spoke to her court in Inverness yesterday. And a fine day it was too, and a fine speech. She spoke to the faithful at a time when, her SpokesWalrus said, things had never been better. "We are beloved of the people, while the hated gnat remains hated. The Red side are all powerful in Scotlandshire, even if the people don't know it, while the gnat is a mere irritation no one pays attention to, a tool of the evil Eckerjock.

In her speech, the Queen - famed for her power to be able to move quickly, in any direction, backward, forward or diagonally, and to any vacant policy position - said the Red side should "define ourselves by what we are for, not what we are against. And what we are for is being against gnats.

"We want to have a dialogue with the people of Scotlandshire. Unlike the gnats who didn't start a national conversation several years ago, which we ignored then, we do want to have a national conversation now. And comrades, there is much to talk about.

"The time has come to talk of many things: Of shoes and ships and sealing-wax, of cabbages and kings. And why the sea is boiling hot and whether pigs have wings."

Interviewed later on lunchtime news about whether sealing-wax and cabbages were really what the people of Scotlandshire want to talk about she said, "that is a debate we need to have and we will have that debate both among the Kings, Queens, Knights and pawns on the Red side, and within Scotlandshire itself."

There was also an announcement by the commission for Further Urgent Devolution, which had been charged with coming up with a plan for further devolution which would make sure not an inch more devolution was given. To excited whoops and cheers from the assembled audience of fawns, unicorns, goats and frogs, the committee proclaimed, Scotlandshire could have, "twopence a week, and jam every other day."

tweedledumThe announcement brought immediate outrage from the Red King Alisdair and his court who started shouting that they didn't want jam every other day, and certainly there should be no jam today. To which the Red Queen retorted, "Well you couldn't have it if you did want it. The rule is, jam tomorrow and jam yesterday - but never jam to-day. And I thought everyone understood that by now. But you must understand, It takes all the running you can do, to keep in the same place."

One of the Tweedlebrothers - no one is sure whether it was the one who broke the rattle or the one who whinged about the broken rattle - also addressed the conference. He said he knew what the country was thinking; that it was hungry for change and wanted radical reform, like that brought about by the beloved Thatcher many years ago. "But," he carried on, "it isn't so, nohow. Contrariwise, if it was so, it might be; and if it were so, it would be; but as it isn't, it ain't. That's TruthTeam logic.

"The Eckerjock is just like the despised Thatcher - boo, hiss, horrible beast that he is! But contrariwise, he cannot be the glorious Thatcher because I am the next Thatcher and will radically ensure the status quo stays just as it is, and always was, and always will be."

At that point his speech was cut short as a black crow flew onto the stage and he wet himself in fright before running off crying and wailing that this was worse even than his new rattle being broken.

hare hatterCommenting on Twitter, Red bloggers the Mad Hatter and March Hare were united in condemnation of the crow – which was almost certainly really a gnat – and in praise of both the Red Queen and Tweedlewhichever.

The Mad Hatter also insisted that most likely none of this was really real and that the gnats, the referendum, the Eckerjock and Scotlandshire were all a bad dream the Red King Darling was having and when he woke up they would all disappear and everything would go back to being perfectly normal. Which of course it is anyway as the red side were winning and always had been and always would be.

Later, the Red King himself took to the stage in a speech which advised the faithful to "Beware the Eckerjock! Beware the Jubjub bird, and shun the frumious Bandersnatch!" as well as slamming the evil Eckerjock’s plans to make Scotlandshire more separate. Then slamming his plans to keep Sterling because it wouldn't make the country separate enough.

Speaking later on Newsnicht the Red Queen was asked further about proposals to devolve jam-making ability to Scotlandshire. Gordon Brewery asked, "are we really expected to believe these jam tomorrow promises? You seem to be asking us to believe the impossible?"

"What's wrong with that?’ the fine lady said. “The Eckerjock would have you believe Scotlandshire could go it alone and that it isn't too big and too small; too rich and too poor; too hot and too cold; too stupid and too intelligent. All of which, of course, it is."

"But one CAN'T believe impossible things", an incredulous Brewery said.

"I daresay you haven't had much practice," replied the Queen. "When I was your age, I always did it for half-an-hour a day. Why, sometimes I've believed as many as six impossible things before breakfast. Anas Sarwar can believe many more than that!"

Pressed on whether the red King's court agreed with her FUD commission's proposals, she repeatedly refused to give a straight answer, when pressed saying only, "Look Gordy. Divide a loaf by a knife: what's the answer to that?" Then she turned into a sheep and started randomly saying things like "feathers,", "crabs", "squirrels" and "I hate that Eckerjock. I really hate that Eckerjock."

cooking books

After the Eckerjock was soundly defeated in a future the Queen remembers well, the conference ended with an acrostic poem

          Lingering onward dreamily
          A boat beneath a sunny sky,
          Beneath a sunny sky so blue
          Over a Wonderland they fly
          Under a dreaming sky so pure
          Resting in the golden gleam

          Long has paled that sunny sky:
          In winning ear and eager eye
          Echoes fade and memories die
          Scotlab what is it but a dream?

          The End

Related Articles




Due to the huge number of complaints, comments are no longer banned on BBC Scotlandshire News pages.

Comments or no comments, it's still OUR job to tell YOU what to think - NOT the other way around.

Our Other Biased Articles


What is all this Rubbish?

Click HERE to find out.