By Nat Hunter, Our Remaining Correspondent
Captain Waggett, commander of the Home Guard on the Hebridean island of Todday, and recently self declared leader of the "Western Isles Scotlandshire is Shite" campaign has decided to extend his voter registration scheme that allowed the Tories to gain 563 votes in Na h-Eileanan an Iar at the last election.
As well as himself, his wife Dolly and their 6 dogs, 551 other Waggetts were registered as postal voters at his 2 bedroom home on Todday - and the 133 other invisible mansions that these postal voters normally reside in, outwith the 12 months of the year when they are in London, San Francisco and Reigate.
Returning Officer Iain Mac a' Chruiteir said, "Och we neffer pothered about the fraud, since it put the Lib Dems into 4th place. My great grandfather still votes Labour at effery election, and he died in 1923. It's only iff the SNP look like losing that we pother. We just make the Waggetts pay council tax on all those homes."
Waggett explained his scheme to democratically keep Scotlandshire within the UK (original spelling and punctuation corrected) . "Your country needs YOU! Let's get more people up here to vote 'NO' and save Great Britain. Cheap Houses is of course one selling point, but postal voting should be straight forward for those with family or friends already here ;-)
"Since all Scots are British citizens, then it is obvious that all British citizens are Scots - no matter how distasteful that is to us. As you will see from my graphic, everyone in Ireland and the Isle of Man is in Great Britain, while no Shetlanders are.
"I do recognise a slight flaw in my theory, since if everyone in the Republic moved into Northern Ireland, the UK would be f**ked and only GB would remain. As for the Manx, who gives a f**k"? Britishness requires that all subject nations kneel to God, Queen, Union Jack - and their representatives on earth like me."
ScotLab head Truth honcho Anas Sarwar said, "This idea is wholly within the the definition of 'truth and honesty' as we choose to define it. We know that in Scotlandshire there is no sense of community, and no one from the separatist side knows who their neighbours are, who lives in their house, and who is on the electoral roll. When 50 million Scots vote in the referendum and destroy the idea of independence, that will be a wholly democratic decision by the people of England."
UKOK head Alastair Darling said, "Just read the Holy Book John 14:2 'In my Father's house are many mansions: if it were not so, I would have told you'. That is clear biblical precedent for this imaginative scheme. I have embarked on this Christian quest by acquiring a number of mansions for myself, and my probity in that is unquestioned by Johann Lamont."
Ian Davidson MP and Chairchoob of the Scottish Select committee for Plundering Others Resources, Keeping Independence Eejits Poor, Impoverishing Elderly Scots said, "Ah'm intae this truth thing. Ah telt abody that Lamont's commission kid suggest ony daft ideas they wint - bit me an mah chinas in English Labour 'll decide whit thae Scots bastirts get - an that's f**k aw! Noo bugger aff. Ah'm aff fir a wee recline tae think aboot Johann's sexy teeth, an exercise ma haund."
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