ScotLab commit to the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth

By Nat Hunter, Our Remaining Correspondent

truth teamLabour in Scotlandshire committed themselves to providing total truth about how separation would plunge Scotlandshire into bankruptcy, economic collapse, sexual impotence and cannibalism.

Every statement from any Better Together spokesperson will be ruthlessly examined to make sure that it is the absolute truth - as they see it.

All statements from separatists will be similarily held to the same rigid standards. They will be held to account for any comment that isn't the absolute truth - as we see it.

The Truth Team website says "Scottish Labour recognises its responsibility to be honest in everything we say and do over the coming months and right up to the referendum - as opposed to everything we have said and done in the past".

Leader of the Truth Team and real leader of Labour in Scotlandshire, Anas Sarwar said, "I always speak the truth in a way that suits me.

"When Daddy bought me this seat in Westminster, that also bought the right to see the revealed truth. Obviously when I said that Scotlandshire wasn't a democracy in the conventional sense. It is a dictatorship, I was speaking the truth as I see it. If I see things that way, then everyone will agree with me, for I speak my truth, and my truth is the only truth - as the court will recognise when I come to trial."

lewis macdonaldLabour in Scotlandshire embodies the concept of "truth as we see it" and transmits this through the generations. "We spurn the idea of any truth existing outside our view of reality", said Lewis Macdonald, Labour List MSP for NE Scotland after having been rejected by the Aberdeen Central voters in favour of a separatist candidate. "The voters got it wrong, of course", he said, "they didn't see the truth. My daughter, however, though only 15 and relying only on her Facebook friends for information, understands that Labour truth is a pure and pristine thing, unpolluted by such filthy stuff as external evidence. Our evidence is what our pals tell us, and that is why Labour was so successful at Westminster in 2010 and Holyrood in 2007 and 2011."

Iona Macdonald demonstrated the stength of Labour truth in her speech at the Scotlandshire Labour Conference in Inverness, when delegates applauded her logic and truth. To rapturous applause, not seen since the young William Hague addressed Scottish Labour's sister Conservative conference in 1977, Iona displayed her wide understanding of Labour truth.

"My pal Vikki believes that if we want peace in Britain, we should not be divided", she said defiantly declaring that immediate war would break out between a separate Scotlandshire and the remainder of the UK. She continued, "Catriona’s sister lives in London and Catriona doesn’t want London and her sister to be in a foreign country. And Chloe says that we’ll go bankrupt.”

Proud Dad, Lewis, said, "That's my girl! Not a word of evidence, or even any indication of what Chloe's credentials are - other than being Catriona's sister and living in London - but that's enough for Labour. If someone from London says it's so, then we take that to be the literal truth. Foreigners are nasty, horrible people that we want nothing to do with."

A spokesman for HMIe said that they were urgently initiating an emergency inspection of her school. "Jeez! he said, we've seen some really poor pupil performance over the years, but if that's an example of a school thinking they are equipping their pupils for any career other than walking into Daddy's shoes as a Labour politician - and there will be bloody few opportunities in that area! - then serious steps may need to be taken. It's supposed to be a Curriculum for Excellence. That involves 'children moving from dealing with straightforward information towards analysing, evaluating and being aware of the trust that they should place on evidence.' Faith based truth of zealots isn't evidence."

Children 1st, Scotlandshire's Royal Society for Preventing Cruelty to Children suggested that action may need to be taken against Mr Macdonald. "Those are perfectly reasonable positions for a 15 year old child to have", they said, "but allowing your child to be exposed to ridicule for allowing those ideas to be expressed among thinking people - ie those not in Scottish Labour - is cruelty at a level we would not have anticipated."

In other news, Bath born comedian Bill Bailey has declared his support for separatism in Scotlandshire. Labour's Truth Team declared "He's a comedian, and English. What right does he have to have an opinion on Scotlandshire? We only recognise as truth the views of comedians born in Scotlandshire, like Michael Forsyth."

In other other news, rating agency Fitch has downgraded the UK credit rating from AAA. Labour's Truth Team said, "Fitch are dirty foreigners too. Within Scottish Labour, the UK has improved to AAAAA - and that's the truth - honest."


 Related Articles

 Telegraph : Schoolgirl takes Scottish Labour conference by storm

Scotsman : Labour launches Obama-style ‘truth team’

Daily Record : Comedian Bill Bailey admits he loves Scotland so much he'd rather perform in Oban than at the O2 arena

BBC London : Fitch downgrades UK credit rating to AA+

 


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