McClumpherty Funeral - Souvenir edition Part 1

By Fawn Ancurtsy, Our Worshipping Correspondent

mcclumpherty

A Special Cut out and Keep edition - "that we don't forget her legacy" - Part I

Auld woman dies Monday, 08 April 2013 16:30

We have been asked several times why we have not covered yesterday's sad death, so we will now correct that omission.

Auchenshoogle pensioner, Mrs Philomena McClumpherty died quietly in her bed yesterday, aged 96. Friends and relatives paid tribute to the "wonderful, kindly old lady."

Neighbour, Miss Netta McLafferty disagreed. "Ah'm glad the auld bitch is deid", she said. "She pinched ma fella in 1935, pentit hoor that she wis."

BBC Scotlandshire extends its sympathies to Mrs McClumpherty's family, but remains puzzled as to why anyone else would be interested in her demise.

Nae Ding Dong at Auchenshoogle Funeral Monday, 15 April 2013 20:10

Wednesday sees the funeral of noted Unionist campaigner, Mrs Philomena McClumpherty. In recognition of this solemn occasion, Auchenshoogle Community Council has decided that Big Ben should be silenced.

Big Ben Tamson, bairn of Jock and Auchenshoogle's postie, was outraged. Constable McWheerie said, "Ah wis a 'disruptive element in the community', and speered if Ah wis ga'in tae disrupt the funeral by turnin ma back on the cortege as it trauchled up the brae. Ah telt him stracht that Ah'd nivver been sae daft as tae hiv ma back exposed tae the auld bitch fin she wis alive. Damn sure Ah widnae turn ma back an' trust her noo, even though she's supposed tae be deid."

McWheerie told our reporter, "The new Police Scotlandshire will do its best to take the piss out of events in London. We really hated the English polis attitude to the minor's strike in the 80s when the bairns refused to eat the school dinners, or 'shite' as they described it, provided by McClumpherty Foods.

"In those days, of course, the Tories could do anything they liked in Scotlandshire - except get votes. I'll buy Big Ben a few pints later, before arresting him."

george-osborne-tearHolyrood to debate whether McClumpherty should be deified Tuesday, 16 April 2013 21:40

Citing the provisions of the Scotland Act, Tory leader in Scotlandshire Ruth Davidson has pointed out that the creation of new gods is not reserved to Westminster and, therefore, falls within the powers of the Scottish Parliament.

"My party is taking advantage of this provision to propose (during our allocated debate time on Wednesday) that Mrs Philomena McClumpherty be elevated to the status of a Goddess within Scotlandshire, and calling for state funded temples to be erected throughout the country where she can be worshipped by true believers."

Green co-convenor Patrick Harvie protested that holding this debate on Wednesday when "Every MSP should be concentrating their thoughts on sending the ghost of Wullie Rennie to the afterlife" was provocative and disrespectful.

"Surely this debate could be moved to Thursday", he said, "when it will inevitably be defeated - even if McClumpherty's political heirs in Labour and the remaining Lib Dems vote, as so often, with the Tories".

Thought for the day Wednesday, 17 April 2013 06:47

At the opening of Holyrood's extraordinary session today to exorcise Wullie Rennie's ghost, Rev. Ahma Bigot of the Free Orthodox Presbyterian Catholic sect of Islamic Judaism provoked controversy, instead of making the usual anodyne comments to offend nobody. "It's not for mortal men and women to decide whether Wullie passes on, or pisses on this undemocratic Chamber pot", he declaimed.

"Only the Immortals in the Chamber of our Lords in London can decide who is saved, who is safe, who is saucy, or who is sausage. The Devine command is 'Tak whit ye can, while ye can'. Mrs Philomena McClumpherty, whom we also honour today, lived by that motto. Both she and Wullie showed that you can try to take it with you - though Wullie had insufficient time to make anything, and Philomena's attempt to take her savings to the afterlife, sewn into her knickers, apparently failed due to her not wearing such apparel.

"We all remember that wonderful song 'Pennies from Heaven'. Alas, even MacChuckemup (Undertakers - whether Deid or No) were unwilling to touch the largesse that fell out when they moved the body. As the blessed NC told us, some money is too dirty to touch." 

Film coverage of the announcement of the McClumpherty death Wednesday, 17 April 2013 07:56

BBC Scotlandshire has exclusive film footage of the announcement of the death of Mrs Philomena McClumpherty (aka "pentit Tory hoor") in Auchenshoogle.

Click HERE to see it.


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