McClumpherty Funeral - Souvenir edition Part 4
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By Fawn Ancurtsy, Our Worshipping Correspondent
A Special Cut out and Keep edition - "that we don't forget her legacy" - Part IV
Ding Dong ban infuriates Auchenshoogle Wednesday, 17 April 2013 18:55
The decision by Reverend Willie Fawdoon to ban the playing of "Ding, Dong, The Witch is Dead" on the Kirk bell during the funeral of Mrs Philomena McClumpherty bitterly divided the community of Auchenshoogle.
McClumpherty's sister-in-law, Mrs Pist Ootomamind was horrified that Philomena's favourite song was to be banned because of "the bizarre assumption that she was a witch." She continued, " OK, Philly was a dab hand at magicking cash from other folk's pockets to hers, but at the 1946 witch trial, she was found innocent when she drowned.
That she later made a total recovery was due to the Tory principle of coming out of any pool of shite smelling of roses - or in her case, of shite."
Kirk bellringer, Fergus McBellamy, explained that complex technical issues had to be resolved before the final decision was taken. "There's only wan bell" he said, "so I could only play 'Ding'. That's nae much o' a fu**in tune! Onywye, ringing the Kirk bell mair than once is the signal we're being invaded. Mind you, fin aw her Tory relatives got aff the bus, ah thocht we were!"
Other villagers were incandescent about the ban. "We're incandescent", they told our reporter.
Conflict breaks out at McClumpherty wake Wednesday, 17 April 2013 19:53
In a sad conclusion of the funeral of Mrs Philomena McClumpherty, a violent confrontation took place at the former Auchenshoogle Unionist Club.
The Club closed in 1965, when Scottish Unionists joined the English Conservative Party, and their support evaporated like snaw aff a dyke in an Auchenshoogle July. With only Mrs McLumpherty as a member, the club sank into disuse until the property was purchased by the DunAngus Lapdancing Club, of which Mrs McClumpherty's late husband Angus, and neighbour Miss Netta McLafferty were enthusiastic, if unappealing members.
Club chairman, McClumpherty's second cousin and part-owner of the holding company to which much of Auchenshoogle belongs, Iain Taylor, a snake and rape oil salesman in neighbouring Brechin told our reporter, "Unfortunately, Philly made her will in 1964 and never changed the arrangements for her funeral.
"As it turns out, the fee for hiring the club is identical to the value of Philly's estate. I can understand that her heir, Marmaduke Phipps, might have been slightly pissed at that, but as our Coalition friend would have said - 'Whit kin ye dae, eh?'. His threat to bomb Auchenshoogle airport was way over the top, but typical of Brits deprived of the cash they need to survive."
Police break up riot at Auchenshoogle wake Wednesday, 17 April 2013 20:56 It is alleged that her heir Marmaduke Phipps became upset when presented with the bill for the evening by club chairman, McClumpherty's second cousin, Iain Taylor, a snake and rape oil salesman in neighbouring Brechin and lashed out at him. The bill exactly equalled the value of Mrs McClumpherty's estate - £18,000,097.56.
Phipps had apparently ordered, and consumed, several bottles of club Bollinger ("our own formula, and distilled in the secure area of the slaughter hoose") and had endured hours of his lap being danced on by Miss Netta McLafferty in army boots.
A witness said that "the Sassenach loon didnae unnerstaun that Scots cash stays in Scotlandshire. Ower muckle his crossed the border tae London pooches afore - nae noo."
She added that Phipps appeared to be incandescent about being "kettled" and held in police custody while being forced to listen to endless songs by The Singing Kettle, and claimed police brutality
"He was incandescent", she told our reporter.
Exorcism Fails!, 17 April 2013 22:28
In a dramatic new development, what passes for Wullie Rennie's soul has just re-entered what passes for his body.
In an exclusive interview with BBC Scotlandshire, Wullie Rennie explained what happened. "Over millenia, lots of great leaders have arrived in Hell, and tried to knock Beelzebub off his perch. None had succeeded till now.
"Just my luck to get there after McClumpherty. When Satan heard the eulogies for the auld bitch at the funeral, he pleaded with Jehovah to be allowed tae get the hell oot o' Hell afore she arrived. In his infinite mercy, God allowed Auld Nick to resign and take a seat in the House of Lords, with all the other retired fiends.
"As a Lib-Dem I had my legs crossed as to what the new Great Satan would decide. When she pronounced that there would be nae Wets in Hell, I pissed masel, and got slung oot. Bit whit kin ye dae, Eh?"
Presiding Officer Tricia Marwick said her clerks were searching for precedents as to how this remarkable situation should be dealt with. "Brain dead MSPs are commonplace, though preferably not Party leaders, but Labour have insisted on their right to select such as Leader."
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