'Political' police target Unionists
By Nat Hunter, Our remaining Correspondent
The new Police Service of Scotland, under the political direction of separatist Kenny Mcaskill has been attacked for discrimination against those supporting the glories of the Union.
Media Director of "Glesga sez Fu**kin Naw tae Fu**kin A'thing", Buckie Dribbler attacked "the fu**in polis an' that Nazi fu**kin bastirt McAskill" for politically driven harassment of good Unionists, just because they had broken some daft law. "Holyrood shid nivver have huv goat responsibility for Transport law - hivvn't they?, he whined.
"Wan o' oor activists - ah canna gie his name cos the Govan Law Centre telt me that wid be 'contempt of court'. Daft buggers, of coorse ah'm contemptous o' the coorts - efter the bastirts said ah wis guilty o' corrupting a Glesga cooncillor. How the f**k dae ye dae that? Onywye, when Aeneas Stalwart wis stopped by the polis wi mobiles in baith hauns while driving McAveety's bus, that wis a fu**kin stitch up."
From deep in Johann Lamont's bunker in George Square, a spokesnumpty emerged to tell the assembled media, "This matter is 'sub judice'. That means it's in the hands of the law - just a shame that Stalwart's hands may not have been entirely legal. Naturally Johann is deeply distressed by Stalwart's embarrassment, and the gales of laughter you can hear are Johann in tears."
Specialist solicitors ROADTRAFFICDEFENCE.COM said, "In order to find someone guilty of this offence the Procurator Fiscal must prove beyond reasonable doubt that a mobile telephone was held at some point during the course of making or receiving a call or any other interactive communication function including sending or receiving messages or media or accessing the internet."
The BBC Scotlandshire Legal Department said, "We didn't know that about the technicalities of this legislation thingie. Is there a book somewhere we could read to find out about these difficult matters? From what we know of Aeneas, however, we doubt that he would be communicating with anyone - by phone or otherwise. The bastard thinks he's too good to talk to anyone but the Supreme Being though, to be fair, Thatcher was still alive at the time of the alleged offence.
"Without any evidence whatsoever, however, it might be that a lonely guy with no friends might have been listening to Recorded_gems_of_Maggie_in_Scotlandshire.com* or Dial_an_auld_hoor_talkin_dirty.com*.
"Of Stalwart, we'd believe anything.
"If asked, we'd suggest avoiding Matheson's lawyers, however, as they have a reputation for extending jobs by parking up a case and gobbling everything that comes up."
*In the interests of public decency, BBC Scotlandshire has disabled links to both of these porn sites.
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