SNP accused of 'Digging for Victory'

By Heertae ThairOur Transport Correspondent 

tanker-shipTransport Minister Keith Brown has announced a major new project to facilitate the transport of oil from the developing oilfields of Scotlandshire's western coast.

A new Solway-Tweed Ship Canal is to be built to allow super tankers to get to international oil trading centre Rotterdam more quickly. "This is a shovel-ready project", said a Scottish Government spokesman. "We just need a bloody great shovel."

Opposition spokesbots rapidly condemned the project as one designed to physically separate Scotlandshire from it's neighbour.

SLAB transport spokeswoman, Elaine Murray said, "Supertankers need 30 metres of water. That's almost 6 feet! No country can remain united with that depth of water between its parts. I've paddled in the sea at Portpatrick, and the water only came up to my ankles, so the separatists are proposing a barrier much deeper than the North Channel".

Scottish Tory transport spokesman, Alex Johnstone said, "North Sea oil saved Britain in the 70s when Thatcher used it to avoid revolution while she destroyed manufacturing. Unfortunately it has now run out. What do you mean, 'the Atlantic isn't the North Sea'? It's seawater and it's north of other bits of sea. How dare you suggest I don't know what I'm talking about!"

Scottish Liberal Democrat spokesperson on transport and a wheen of other matters because the party is totally irrelevant but we at BBC Scotlandshire still quote them because they are in government at Westminster, Tavish Scott said, "It's Shetland's Oil. Even if it's in the South Atlantic, it's Shetland's Oil. Because I speak for all Shetlanders, I can tell you that we want it all to be given to Westminster. Instead of wasting money on this canal, the Scottish Government should be building a canal from Scrabster to Lerwick."

UKIP leader, Niggle Forage asked, "Where's the Tweed? Isn't that a cloth owned by Tories like Brian Wilson and Ian Taylor?"

nessieA major political row erupted, however, when Green co-convenor, Patrick Harvie warned "While canals are certainly better than roads, the Solway is too polluted by depleted uranium shells to be a safe passage. Much better to widen the Caledonian Canal."

Nessie said, "I refer you to the response given by Private Eye in Arkell v Pressdram - F**k off! I've got a nice wee bijou holiday home with architect-designed ecological niches under Urquhart Castle, and I'm not moving for anyone."

Scottish Socialist Party leader Colin Fox said, "We will be having a special conference in Govan Town Hall next Sunday on the Nessie issue. The party is deeply divided on the issue, and we need to come to a democratic decision.

"On the one hand, this looks like an attempt to repeat the Highland Clearances by driving local Highlanders off their land - or in this case their water. On the other, it could just be the selfish rich minority wanting to keep their second home privileges and prevent ordinary people from reaping the benefits of infrastucture development. It's bloody hard being a politician with principles." In exasperation he added, "Sometimes I wish I was a Tory, and didn't have such encumbrances." He swiftly retracted that last statement, but we publish it anyway.

MacChuckemup Builders (Canal Division - 'Door to door canal delivery, from your front door through to your back door') said that they were optimistic of winning the contract for the new canal. A company spokesman said, "Aw the cash his bin delivered in broon envelopes tae the richt politicians for us tae win the contract. Wi Unionists in power, we get a'thing. Whit dae ye mean the SNP hiv a majority? Bluidy hell! Hiv we been dishin oot broon envelopes tae folk wi nae power aw they years, an they nivver telt us? Bastirts!"

Ian Davidson MP. Chairchoob of the Scottish Select Committee on Cannae Agree wi Numpties At Labour (Scotlandshire) reclined to answer our requests for a statement. A London agency spokeslady said, "I don't think he can come to the phone. We've been reclining for ages, and he hasn't come yet."

 


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