Scotlandshire mourns the passing of The Great Leader
By Honting S Piritz, Our Exorcism Correspondent
Scotlandshire is today in mourning for one of its great political figures; one who changed the face of politics and achieved truly amazing and transformational change within our society.
It was BBC Scotlandshire who first broke the news of the political death of Oor Wullie Rennie back in February this year, when he suffered a dramatic melting down incident, live on TV. Yet since that time he has not fallen silent, but has continued to haunt the psyche of Scotlandshire as a restless spirit, wailing and rattling chains every so often. A tragic and tormented wraith, his legacy has cast a shadow over the politics of Scotlandshire.
However, over the past week, his ghost has become ever more agitated, for some reason no one is able to explain. He has been rattling his chains and wailing near continually at Holyrood, disrupting debates, and hurling objects around the chamber. In particular, the parliamentary library has seen disturbances, with books such as "Look At Me, Ah'm Deid An' Aw" and "Ye Bastirts, Yis Nivver Gied Me A Send Aff" flying off shelves, in one case slightly injuring a 45 year old librarian.
So it is our sad and solemn duty, as national broadcaster for Scotlandshire, to report today on his ceremonial exorcism. State Priest and Royal Exorcist Getta Wawiye-Mann, will be conducting the ceremony at Holyrood, during which he will be commanding the late leader of the Liberal Democrats in Scotlanshire to "depart in the name of a higher power". "It is the way it works," he told BBC Scotlandshire. "The higher power is invoked, in the hope it will command the spirit to leave. Unfortunately, I've had a word with Nick Clegg and I'm not entirely optimistic." The exorcist went on to re-assure us that, in general, such spirits are not evil or dangerous, and cannot be held wholly responsible for their actions. "They are simply souls terrified of a future they cannot comprehend. They are trapped in negativity and a desire to cling onto the past, and feed off the negative energy they find in the world of the living. Sadly for Rennie, as a part of Better Together, there is so much negativity to feed off, he may find it impossible to depart."
Rennie was a divisive figure in Scotlandshire politics: some folk hated him; others believed he was brilliant for curing indigestion. He achieved what few other political figures – past or present – could ever hope to achieve, namely managing to look small and petty, even next to Johann Lamont.
It is to the eternal shame of Scotlandshire that some people were seen to be smiling on the day his political death was reported. Some idiots - believed to be separatists - tweeted comments such as "ach well, he'll no be missed", "the Lib Dems? I thought they were deid already?" or "eh, who?" It is our solemn hope here at BBC Scotlandshire that we see none of this childish nonsense today, as his spirit is finally laid to rest, holy water sprinkled over him and the incantations spoken.
Our live coverage of the state ceremonial exorcism will begin at 6.30am and run right through to 2am. From 6.30 through until 12 noon we will be discussing his immense legacy, and the man and his life. In the studio we will have memories, eulogies and tributes from politicians of all parties (apart from the separatists, who're all bastirts and can't be trusted not to politic or otherwise attempt to make political capital from the event). From 12 noon, we will join the exorcism live, as Priest Getta Wawiye-Mann rides down High Street and into Holyrood on a carriage drawn by four white horses, draped in union jacks. He will be followed by massed bands of the British army playing classics such as Jerusalem and the theme from The Omen, and a fly-by of the Red Arrows will paint the sky red white and blue.
We will then have reporters on the spot tasked with filling in 2 hours of earnest silence inside Holyrood. We will have Ghostbuster Chevy Chase giving his insights, and asking various C-list celebrities for their memories of Rennie, and what they love about the UK more generally.
At 2pm, the holy water will be sprinkled and incantation read. At 2.05pm we will move on to discussing whether or not the procedure might work. For the next twelve hours we will mostly repeat highlights of the coverage so far, discussing what a brilliant politician Rennie was, and how sadly he'll be missed, especially within the Better Together campaign. And how nasty the Nats are. But we will be sure to be first with any breaking news on whether the spirit has re-emerged or given any sign of still being with us.
Alistair Darling said, "This is truly a tragic day for Scotlandshire and Britain. Today we will witness this poor, tortured spirit being finally laid to rest, sent on a one way journey never to return. And yet I feel that somehow his return may be inevitable."
Charles Kennedy, who was in such an emotional state he could barely stand said, "Getting rid of spirits? I'm good at that. Why didn't they ask me? Why did they call in a damned priest? Anyway, the Lib Dems? I thought they were deid already?"
Somewhere off in the distance an ethereal voice could be heard to moan, “Bit whit kin you dae, eh?”
BBC Scotlandshire has reluctantly agreed to leave the comments open on this piece. However at the first sign of any disrespectful posts, especially from you separatist bastirts, they will be closed down. Today is a day for paying tribute to this fine political figure and anything other than fawning sycophancy will be considered not in line with BBC Scotlandshire's worldview.
We will be providing hourly updates, on the hour, on today's significant events in our pants section "News in Briefs" - starting at 7.00 am - if we can be arsed to get up in time.
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