Labour launch new CalMac Commission on devolution

By Max McCaird our Financial Correspondent

curranandbailliematchingoutfitsLast week, just before running back to her secret hiding place following her brave realignment of Scotlandshire Labour with the Tories, interim Labour leader Johann Lamont took time out from her hectic schedule of avoiding journalists to announce that Labour is to establish a new CalMac commission on devolution. 

Hailed as absolutely positively definitely the last word on devolution (no really we mean it this time), the titanic new CalMac commission comes fitted with the latest roll-on roll-off technology to offload minivans of septic separatists as quickly as possible. 

Labour sources promise that the commission will consult widely.  It will tour the sea ports of Scotlandshire for the next two years in search of a destination, and will accept submissions from anyone who's a member of the Labour party or an Orange Lodge.  The best entrants will win a special prize of an Ed Miliband one nation Union Jack sash.

The new sink tank will replace the previous hugely successful CalMac commission, which sour grapes nationalists say successfully sank without trace quicker than a leaky Rothesay ferry after the SNP's Holyrood election victory gobsmacked Sally Magnusson.

At the head of the 12 seater dinghy is Lord Timeserver of Glencomatose (117).  Rewarded with a seat in the Lords after 40 years of sitting on Commons committees to make up the numbers, the former Lanarkshire MP and chib-cairrier for Ian Davidson said:

"I've been promised a well-stocked bar and a generous expense account."

Also on the commission cruise is Professor Adam Smiths-Lovechild, author of a shocking scientific report which conclusively proved that Scottish independence would rip a tear in the fabric of space and time, causing mutant clones of Alex Salmond to claw their way out of the hell dimensions and bringing about the extinction of the entire human race.

The professor of voodoo economics at the American University of Hackensack said:

"We're not ruling anything out, except independence of course, and devo-max, because that's really just the same thing.  And devo-plus, because that's a stupid name. And devo-minus - we don't know what that is.  In fact it's safe to say we'll be ruling out just about anything that Jim Murphy doesn't like."

Other places on the tanker will go to "safe pairs of hands" within the party.  The Labour leadership is confident they'll dae whit they're telt and won't complain too much about the stink when the cabins start to fill with bilge water.

In an effort to return the concept of devolution to its original roots, the final places will be filled by members of 1980s American electro-pop band Devo.  The band closely follow Scottish affairs, the drummer's auntie once visited Edinburgh castle while she was on a coach tour of England.  The band are best known for their 1980 hit "Whip it (whip it real good)", said to be a bedtime favourite of Conservative Chancellor George (Gideon) Osborne.

A spokesluvvie for the band's management company said:

"We have no idea what you're talking about.  Is this some sort of surrealist art stunt that no one gets the point of?  The band are into that sort of thing you know.

"Hey, I'm loving that cute accent you've got.  Are you guys German?"

MargaretCurranAn anonymous Labour spokesminion denied claims by fantasising nationalists that the party was trying to kick the issue into the long grass, saying:

"The Labour party have carefully thought this through.  There's a clearly defined timetable and a detailed and precise plan that voters can trust in.  We are confident that this time we'll kill separation stone dead. 

"This new Calmac commission will build on the findings of the previous Calmac commission, and then we'll set up a new commission after the referendum to examine the findings of this one - but since Scotland will by then have voted to remain a part of this glorious one nation United Kingdom, we'll only do that if we can be airsed, because it's not like it will be urgent or anything. 

"But really, we're hoping that by then we can file this whole nightmare under 'ignore' for another 30 years.  Christ it was so much easier when we could just do a McCrone on stuff you know.  We're starting to run out of ideas for things to fill Ian Davidson's time. 

"Anyway, where was I?  We have to memorise this mince or get molacated.  Oh aye ...

"Devolution is something that affects every member of this happy one nation British family, so if we win the Westminster elections in 2015 we'll also set up commissions in the county of Wales - or the Western-West Midlands, as we prefer to call it - Northern Irelandshire, and each of the English regions and London. 

"Then we'll have another commission to consider the findings of those commissions, with a view to presenting a White Paper sometime toward the end of the Parliament after this one.  It's expected to take a full Parliamentary term to consider constitutional change of this magnitude.  After all, it could see Scotland in charge of planning regulations for garden sheds and the collection of library book fines, so these things must be carefully thought through.

"After the 2025 General Election we'll be able to present a bill to the House of Commons, which will be heavily watered down in the committee stages, before it's vetoed by the Tories and rebel Labour backbenchers."

Ian Davidson MP, chairbam of the Commons select committee for Britain's Altruistic Wealth & Bounty Assisting Grateful Scotlandshire, said:

"Scoattish sovereignty ma bahoukie.  Yese'll get whit we gie yese an bluiddie well like it. We're MPs, we tell YOUSE whit tae dae.  It's perfectly democratic. We'll gie yese this commission, or we'll gie yese a doin.  Youse kin choose."

Provisional leader of the Scottish Labour party Johann Lamont was unavailable for comment.


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