Football in separate Scotlandshire to be “as fake as wrestling”

By Kerry McItbag, Our Sports Correspondent

world wrestling federationMajor shake-up unveiled as Nationalists embarrass on the pitch

Alex Salmond has been accused of humiliating the UK by continuing to insist the region of Scotlandshire should have its own national football team.

Scotlandshire has become the first “country” in Europe to fail to qualify for the World Cup in 2014, meaning the team is as wee, poor and stupid as Timor-Leste, Vanuatu and the Turks and Caicos Islands.

In February BBC Scotlandshire exclusively revealed warnings that the team could relocate to Oceania in order to make it easier to qualify for future tournaments.

In yet another U-turn however, the First Minister has instead ordered a massive shake-up of how football is run. Mr Salmond believes simple league restructuring, which is currently being looked at by the SFA, SPL and SFL, is not good enough.

It is expected Mr Salmond will push for the pre-determination of football matches, a controversial system of sport which has only ever been used in professional wrestling.

mick-foleyWrestling biographer Sue Plex said: “American wrestling was fragmented and old-fashioned, owned by dozens of promoters across the country all vying to be the best. By the 1980s they couldn’t sustain the charade of pretending it was real so the richest owner, Vince McMahon, simply confirmed on television that wrestling was more akin to entertainment than sport, and revealed all the results of matches were pre-determined.

“He splashed out on bigger stadiums, fancy costumes and bright presentation, and it worked. All the other companies were wiped out, and Vince McMahon became the only man worth knowing in that entire industry.

“Alex Salmond wants to aspire to be in control of everything. I wouldn’t expect anything less from him.”

The SNP today released a joint statement with the SFA:

“The government of Scotlandshire is passionate about football. We know we are lucky to be the only feeble little non-nation to have an international team. But ever since Scotlandshire received more powers in the form of devolution the team, unsurprisingly, has been dragged towards the plughole taking the clubs of Scotlandshire with it.

“The 12 Diddy League clubs will vote on changing the league structure on 15 April. The proposal includes moving to one league body, play-offs and a greater distribution of cash among the smaller clubs.

“But today, we will put a second proposal up for vote. This second proposal includes the scrapping of the entire league system and, in its place, we will have a random bunch of pre-determined matches instead where anything goes.

“The SFA will hire a team of writers to script the matches and provide the best entertainment possible for the fans. No longer will anybody have to sit through 90 minutes of seagulls pooping on them while they watch a dire no-score draw at Pittodrie.

“If you want to see a fair share of different teams ‘win’ the league each season, if you want to see more disrespectful post-match interviews, if you want steel cage matches, if you want players to switch clubs during a game, and if you want to see Ian Black get smashed in the face with a chair when he least expects it, then this is the proposal for you.”

The new proposal has sent shockwaves over social media. Many people detest the idea of results being planned before a match kicks-off. Almost as many people, however, believed it would be good for the game, saying “shit can’t get any worse, can it.”

womens fitbaLabour Shadow Secretary for Health and Well-being, Jackie Baillie, challenged the SNP as to why there had been no mention of women's sport, given the importance of tackling obesity and improving body image among young women.

Shona Robison, Minister for Sport, responded that Baillie was simply being sexist in assuming that football was just about men and their interests. "The new SNP/SFA initiative includes arrangements for players of all genders and none. Special attention is being given to ensuring that attendances at women's football matches increases dramatically."

Famous British grappler Ali “The Master of Disaster” Darling, who currently holds the U-KOK Championship, said: “Well you know something brother, sure, I’d be interested in the Scotlandshire Football Federation brother, but you know something dude, we need more details brother. Because if we don’t get the facts, dude, the Master of Disaster will have no qualms hitting the Doom N’ Gloom piledriver on anyone who gets in his way.

“And Salmond, you fat piece of monkey crap, if you mess this up like you do everything else, I’m gonna make your teeth better together with your spleen. BROTHER!”


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