By Therraw Voteless, Our Minor Parties Correspondent

Ruth Davidson (aka Ruthie Baby) is the Chairperson, Minutes Secretary and Flower Rota Secretary of the Scotlandshire branch of David Cameron’s Tory Party.

She was elected to that position on the basis that the former Secretary of the Flower Rota group would be allowed to advise on the colours and that parish minister Rev. Murdo Fraser should be prevented from abolishing the committee and replacing it with a new one which would discontinue the use of the English Rose, and make rude gestures at Westminster.

There has been extensive opinion polling on flower arranging in Scotlandshire.

That indicated that her arrangements were barely more popular than would be a Green display.and that Scots were increasingly likely to demand that only thistles should be used. She, therefore, announced that she had been totally wrong all the time, that Murdo Fraser had been right, and that survival depended on pretending that they could persuade Cameron to become more thistle-ish, She declared in a resoundingly definitive statement that some people would look at some things and maybe come up with some ideas that might bring about some changes - or not.

On hearing the news, the Rev Fraser announced that the texts for next Sunday's lengthy sermon would be : Luke 15:7  "I say unto you, that likewise joy shall be in heaven over one sinner that repenteth, more than over ninety and nine just persons, which need no repentance" and Luke 4:24 "And he said, Verily I say unto you, No prophet is accepted in his own country."

One of Davidson's key advisors will be Alan Trench, who is an honorary fellow in the School of Social & Political Science and Flower Arranging at the University of Edinburgh. Trench has been hawking his scheme for hybridisation of flowers, and keeping all floral arrangements within the same vase, round anyone who will listen.

"I am politically impartial", he said. “I will be politically impartial when I advise the Tories, just as I was politically impartial when I advised the Liberal Democrat's Home Rule Commission, and was politically impartial when I advised Labour's Devolution Commission. My links with the London based Institute for Public Policy Research Labour thinktank are also wholly politically impartial. If UKIP or the BNP want me to advise them, I'll be politically impartial as well. I don't have a partial stem in my bunch when it comes to politics - as long as I can sink those separatist bastards who want to have different flowers in separate vases, based on which flower beds they happen to be in."

In a bizarre development, BBC Scotlandshire was contacted by the “Richland County News-Monitor” in North Dakota who had been told that the American baseball hero “Babe” Ruth was alive, well, living in Scotlandshire, and arguing for independence from London, despite having died in 1948. 

The annual Babe Ruth baseball tourney in Harkinson, North Dakota means that people there have an intense interest in any story connected with Ruth.

The paper apparently picked up the story from a stringer (or that might have been String Road) enjoying the tropical sun on the Scottish Island of Arran, who had informed them of Ruthie Baby’s comments.

The conversation with editor Marvin J Hootsmon proved very difficult – though less so than explaining Davidson’s meanderings to Scots.

I pointed out that Arran was hardly tropical, being buried under 8 ft snow drifts and with temperatures around 37 Faherenheit.

Hootsmon said, "Jeez! That's what we call tropical in North Dakota. Anyway, I've seen pictures of palm trees on Arran.

"What I kinda had problems with was why it was news that Babe Ruth supported Independence. Of course, he did! Every red-blooded American does. What kind of pathetic, grovelling, lily livered apology for a human being wouldn't want independence for their country?"

Willie Rennie was unavailable for comment as he was pushing up the daisies.

For total clarity on Ruthie Baby's intentions click HERE.

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