Salmond accused of “stamping on the face of history”

 By Pityerex WrightOur Referendum Correspondent 

eck retirementSeptember 18 date “already has stuff”, say Unionists

Alex Salmond, who has been forced into naming the date of the referendum on separation, has been criticised for naming the wrong date.

The First Minister this week revealed that residents of Scotlandshire will get to vote to protect the UK on September 18th, 2014.

However opponents of separation accused Salmond of trying to gerrymander the date, in the process taking the spotlight from events that are also related to the 18th.

“Stuff already happens on that day,” whined Labour MSP Patricia Ferguson. “The media are in cahoots with the nationalists and will forever attach the separation vote with September 18th. Our job will be to distract you from that nonsense, and talk about other things.

“For me, September 18 will always be remembered as the day women in the Netherlands were given the vote, not the day the SNP gave votes to bratty weans.”

Conservative leader Ruth Davidson said: “You only have to look to September 18, 1973 for a good example of why the union is great. West and East Germany gained entry to the United Nations. The UN didn’t have enough seats so they made West and East unite and sit on the same chair. The rest is history.

“Alex Salmond would need at least two seats in the UN, and that simply isn’t going to happen.”

James Kelly MSP, who publicly thanked Mr Salmond for revealing the date of his retirement this week, explained what the Nats were up to.

“If you take the number 18, you’ll see there are two numbers inside – one, and eight. The number one letter in the alphabet is A. The number eight letter in the alphabet is H.

“It’s not difficult to point out that the date chosen is homage to Alex Salmond’s political ally, Adolf Hitler.

“It all makes sense now. The separatists must be stopped.”

Alistair Darling, U-KOK head, was expected to welcome the date confirmation which would lead to less volatility. Instead he remained in his cardboard box, rocking back and forth, while Blair McDougall, U-KOK head, carried out media duties.

hendrixMr Darling told us: “Everything Alex Salmond does reeks of doom and gloom. September 18 is when Jimi Hendrix died and, if you ask me, the positive case for separation is also choking on its own vomit.

“The First Minister and his band of gypsys continue to disrespect the citizens of Scotlandshire with so-called details obscured in a purple haze. It is clear he is simply using the people as a stepping stone to personal gain. The majority of Brits know that the only thing Alex Salmond can build is castles made of sand.

“The very fact we’re even wasting breath on him drags me down into a manic depression.”

Spectre at the feast Willie Rennie moaned that Salmond had supposedly arranged the referendum to precede the UK Party Conferences, but it would be held after the Lib Dem Conference.

"He doesn't think the Lib Dems are important enough even to ignore", he complained. "Delegates are going to have to choose between the piss up in Liverpool and campaigning. Like the Scottish Lib Dem MPs responsible for governing England, they will need to choose between being ignored in England or in Scotlandshire".

Ian Davidson, Chairchoob of the Scottish Affairs Committee for Britain-Loving Unionists Slagging Those Evil Rabble, said: "Wee Eck is planning a graund pairty tae celebrate separation bit ma mucker Jimmy Kelly hus richtly pointed oot it'll be a retirement pairty for yin. Naebody'll turn up, 'cept Wee Eck, syne they'll a' be ower busy plotting their ain rise tae dictator.

"Yon sweetie wife Sturgeon wid hae bin a natural tae slide intae ra evil dictators chair, bit gie Eck his due here, she's a burd that cannae even cook! Whit fu**in use is she tae ony man, niver mind haeing her tellin ilka man whit tae dae in Scotlandshire? If I catch sicht o hir oan ra streets o Govan, she'll hae a dose o whit Eilidh goat."



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