British Empire resurrects slavery

By Nye Eve, New BBC Scotlandshire unpaid intern

poundland slaveIn a bold move this week, the UK parliament decided to re-write the law on slavery to make it legal, and also to make it apply retrospectively.

The Tory/Lib Dem government, led by aspiring village idiot Ian Duncan Smith put the bill through, after a UK court found their workfare programme of forcing people work for nothing had been illegal and the government would have to pay compensation to whingers like Cate Reilly, the geologist miffed at being forced to work in Poundland.

It had been expected that the government would simply accept its policy was illegal and pay compensation, however Ian Duncan Smith laughed off this suggestion. “Don't be so stupid,” he said. “The law is for little people, just as taxes are.

"If you're wealthy or a banker and you do something illegal, you can always expect your friends in government to help out, change the law, for example, or pretend they don't understand it. Jeremy Hunt was terribly good at that with with both Murdoch and the NHS.

"However, if you're a government - at least one unfettered by anything stupid like a constutution - and you do something illegal, there is no problem at all. We are the law, you silly little boy. And if we wish to make that law retrospective, then we shall. Now get back to work you scrounging git, and tidy yourself up."

However, Labour's chief whip and gimp mask operator, Watt Yousoffrin, said “This government has to accept it is not a majority. They cannot just change the law retrospectively and pass it through parliament with no questions asked.

"Not without the support of both Labour and the Liberal Democrats, and that support cannot be taken for granted. They cannot assume the free Labour party will roll over and be submissive, however much of a sexual kick certain of our MPs might derive from that position. No, the Tories must make some concessions, such as buying us all champagne in Strangers Bar and talking dirty to us later. And also promising to help us push deeply unpopular policies through parliament against folk's democratic wishes when it's our turn to be the dominatrix...erm, I mean, elected government.”

conlabpalsIt is not known what concessions the Tories offered, but Labour did not oppose the vote, hence the change in law to allow slavery passed and is now retrospective. Margit Curran, MP for Glasgow refused to be drawn on what had been offered, but said, “Oh, Labour and the Tories work very well in partnership in the governance of the UK.

"We have frequently worked together to thrust such hard and unpopular cock-ups as the Iraq war and NHS privatisation, onto an unwilling yet powerless public, for example. Frequently aided and abetted by people like your good selves at BBC Scotlandshire and in the media, of course.

"There is nothing new here, nothing to see. Move along now and go back to reporting on how evil those nasty separatists are the way we pay you handsomely to do.”

BBC Scotlandshire did then look for an evil separatist to comment however there didn't appear to be any in the contacts list spreadsheet, so we spoke to Ian Davidson Chairchoob of the Committee for Scottish Affairs Silencing Extremist Rogues Vouchsafing Intelligent Legal Experts instead.

This was because he had actually voted no, rebelling against the Labour whip, along with the SNP, Plaid Cymru and the Greens, so is as close to a dangerous radical threat as we could find within the Labour party. He said, “Whit? Ah wis votin' against ma whip wis ah? Ah hudnae realised that. Ah jist saw an Aye and a Naw and it hud tae be Naw because it aye hus to be naw. That's whit we vote, is it no? Ach, am ah in trouble then?”

blank newsRather bizarrely, no major news outlet appears to have reported the retrospective change in the law, and Citivas, the respected legal think tank who had a well written, passionate piece on it, appeared to have had it pulled overnight and replaced with bland place holding text.

BBC Scotlandshire did ask around some of the other news outlets such as the Hootsmon and Herald of Doom but they just laughed and said, “Are you the new intern then? Aye, well, mibbe see you around eh? Not”.

Tommy Sheridan, firebrand and ex leader of Solidarity, who we thought could be relied on for a quote against, was surprisingly positive about the move. “Ah love it”, he said “Retrospectively changing the law is a brilliant idea and the way to go.

"For my manifesto in 2015, I'm going to stand on a ticket of making it illegal to have been a Tory MP and make it retrospective to 1979. All they bastards will see what it's like to be inside for a while then. And my new 'Confederation Of Comrades Keeping Tories Illegal Party' will romp it home, you wait and see and you can stick that in your BBC Scotlandshire...

Editorial Apology

BBC Scotlandshire apologises profusely that this article slipped through onto its pages.

That daft little Nye Eve tit has now been escorted off Atlantic Quay, and security on the BBC Scotlandshire site tightened to prevent such disgusting displays of telling people what's actually happening. As soon as we find a real, paid journalist it will be removed and replaced by a story about Justin Bieber.

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