By Burkha Nair, our Resurrectionist Correspondent

Mourners gathered in Dundee over the weekend to deal with their grief at the demise of their dearly beloved friends.

"Political death is as hard to deal with as any other kind", said bereavement counsellor Awe Hesdeed, "and rituals are required to ease the passage of the departed into the afterlife, and comfort those who are left abandoned by their passing."

Fortunately, recent advances in fundamental physics, psychical research, parapsychology, necromancy are available to provide solace to delegates.

The exciting new field of "grief amelioration through wealth reduction" was intended, however,  to be the core of the ceremonies here in West Park, Dundee.

As Hesdeed noted, "A fool and his money are soon parted."

Unfortunately, the organisers were unable to provide much wealth to the good folk of Dundee.

West Park main conference venue holds up to 300 delegates, while other rooms are suitable for groups from as few as two.

These latter rooms seemed much more used - especially the room for two where Lord Rennard was inviting comely wenches to discuss the Bedroom Tax and their chances of joining the undead and becoming a Lib Dem candidate.

Main events took place in the conference hall, tastefully laid out with a round table, complete with ouija board, and matching round coffins, within which the ancestors could birl.

The highlight for many was when medium Brian Taylor conjured forth the ghost of Willie Rennie from Limbo, where Home Rule has also spent hundreds of years. Like Jacob Marley before him, the spectral form that issued from Taylor's mouth, urged the not yet dead to heed his warnings and repent of their evil ways. "That's why it's important to tell people about our work with conviction and belief", it wailed.

"Those like Chris Huhne have a conviction, while Tavish had a Damascene conversion to belief in Home Rule when I introduced them. Go home to your mainland or Hebridean constituencies and tell them that Home Rule is the Promised Land, but only for Shetland and (maybe) Orkney. Clear any confusion from your voters' minds that Shetland is for the Shetlanders, but Scotlandshire is getting none of that nonsense."

Nick Clegg made a brief transition from the parallel universe, to which the SNP had consigned him. "I know that the fact of going into Coalition with the Conservatives has been particularly controversial in Scotlandshire. The legacy of Margaret Thatcher’s government lingers long in the memory here", the being from an interpenetrating dimension announced. "But frankly in this dimension, we don't give a quantum of dark matter what you Jocks think."

As at most funeral games, the most interesting activities took place on the fringe of the formal ceremonies, when delegates wander in from the bar "as jakey as a Joyce". Tavish Scott and Michael Moore became involved in a heated debate as to what funeral practices should be mandated for future occasions. Moore vociferously argued for the Vulcan model which "involved opening and staring into the eyes of the dying individual, then bellowing loudly and pointlessly at the sky." That, he said, was in tune with Lib Dem tradition.

Tavish Scott demanded that Viking precedent be followed. "One of my slave girls must 'volunteer' to join me in the afterlife. After a few bottles of Skullsplitter she will be raped by six Viking men, then strangled to death. Our bodies will be placed onboard the Up Helly Aa ship and set alight. This Viking tradition ensures that she will serve me in the afterlife, while the sexual rites transform my life force, which has been pretty rubbish in this life to be honest."

Liam McArthur, MSP for Orkney refused to support Scott after his claim that Orkney had oil too was rejected. Piss off, McArthur", said Scott, "it's no your oil, it's wirs.”

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