By Iluv Chanes, our Stay in UK Bondage Correspondent

David Cameron's performance has been causing concern among his domestic staff, BBC Scotlandshire has learned.

During a break in negotiations with other party leaders on the Leveson Report, Cameron was entertaining a guest when cries were heard from his study.

The attention of the butler was attracted when Cameron suddenly called out , "Keep your head up!" and then ejaculated, "Yes, oh yes! Freedom for the Press!"

Aware that his political career has been blown this way and that by political affairs, the servants had been worried that their master would no longer be able to keep his end up, and that might result in a contraction of his staff.

In return for a handsome payment, and our equally handsome copy boy, a Downing Street insider was willing to spill the lot, and provide graphic details of exactly what Cameron was doing, with whom, and how.

We were promised full details of all the games being played, and how the participants took it in turn to be on top.

Our source insisted that their identity be on deep background, so they should only be referred to as Deep Throat. No meetings were to be recorded, and all participants would be masked and restrained in a cellar during the interview.

What we learned was not what we had expected.

"Sorry about the masks and restraints", said our source, "but the COBRA briefing room is the only place in this building that we can be sure of not being heard or seen - except by the CIA, of course, which is why the masks. We can't have Wikileaks posting your pictures on the Internet. The restraints are needed because that button over there is THE BUTTON. Can't have people tripping and accidentally setting off our nuclear missiles - they're damned expensive!

"We're briefing compliant media in Scotlandshire because it's quite clear that most of you don't really undestand how the political game is played here in London by the ruling class. It doesn't matter to us which party is on top, or what public opinion is. Think of it as the British version of TV wrestling - 'contests' within a group of highly skilled circus performers who are enormously rich."

He explained that the "disagreements" between Cameron, Clegg and Miliband were purely for public consumption. "There is no real difference between 'statutory underpinning' and a 'Royal Charter' for the body regulating the Press", he said. "Neither will make any difference."

The political problem was caused by McLuskey in Scotlandshire coming up with very different ideas, which would control Fleet Street via the Scottish Courts, regardless of what happened at Westminster. "We can't have that", he said. We enthusiastically agreed that that would be quite wrong.

"We've told our parties up there to oppose McLuskey, of course, and they are loyally doing as they are told, and using it as an excuse to attack  the SNP and any idea of independence from our benign governance.

"McLuskey, of course, said that Scots legislation would only be needed if Westminster failed to create a UK-wide press regulator.

"How could we manufacture a situation where the Press would intensify their attack on Holyrood, and take any heat off us? It was a frustrating problem, but Rebekah came up the answer - create a situation where we would apparently fail to reach an agreement, then Press hatred would focus on Holyrood.

"Cameron was blown away by that idea, and that's what the butler heard."

Thanking our host, as our restraints were removed, we rose to leave. Tripping over a cable, I narrowly missed hitting THE BUTTON, which would certainly have resulted in satisfying Scotlandshire's wish to rid itself of Trident, and the wish of many in England to rid themselves of the Scots.

Related Articles

Telegraph : David Cameron mocked for 'partying' with Rebekah Brooks

BBC in Scotlandshire : McCluskey Report recommends legal press regulation in Scotland

Daily Record : Press freedom under threat as Alex Salmond's draconian Bill threatens to censor anyone with an opinion (See? The Westminster tactic worked)

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