U-KOK denies Scotland ‘too poor, too stupid, too wee’ to be independent

By Marcus Gardham, our Herald ghost writer

no-drowningSeparatists constantly slur loyal Brits, by saying that we think Scotlandshire is ‘too poor, too stupid, too wee’ to be independent. This is a foul calumny, since we stopped saying that last week.

The No campaign goes from strength to strength and is in no trouble at all.

We now say, with absolute certainty, that Scotlandshire is too rich, too clever, and too big to be independent.

Too rich

As I exclusively revealed in my Herald article last week, “An independent Scotland, with oil reserves, would become the third richest country in the EU in terms of GDP per head. It is feared this would push up payments” to the EU.

No one has ever wanted to be richer, as that leads to paying more taxes. Every lottery winner has shuddered at the thought of wealth, and has refused the money, since a chunk of it would go in tax.

My opinion was backed by no less a spectre than Willie Rennie, so it must be true. Polls consistently report the Lib Dems as Scotland's most popular political party. It has massively more ex-voters than any other.

The story of King Midas should be a warning to Scots of the perils of wealth. Everything Midas touched turned into gold, and he starved to death. With Willie, on the other hand, everything he touched turned to shite, and just look at what a happy wee chappie he was, before unfortunately dying of coprophagic  complications of pica disorder.

Too clever

Scotlandshire is too clever by half, and has a ridiculous number of Universities for its population. Fifteen universities (five of them in the world’s top 200) and five other higher education institutions, plus a swathe of FE colleges offering initial higher education courses, is a major threat to democracy, as well as wasting resources better spent on nuclear missiles. Sensible countries, like the UK, make sure that the population is kept uneducated and unable to think, by making university education unaffordable to all except the elite.

New figures produced for UKOK by the independent think tank “On the Right, makes you right” show that Scotlandshire has more boffins per head of population than any EU country other than Finland, and that knowing lots of stuff just makes you very miserable.

Prior to being civilized by the union, Scotland was the first country to introduce universal education, which our researchers have proved is what makes Scots such dour, miserable buggers. That it produced such irritating smart-ares as David Hume, Adam Smith, James Watt and Lord Kelvin simply demonstrates that nobody likes a clever-clogs.

People in Scotlanshire are lucky that such arrogant, too-clever-by-half folk are currently diluted by being in a union that provides a balancing effect through an endless supply of ignorant arse-wipes such as the present UK Cabinet.

Scotlandshire can’t use all these clever people anyway, so needs London to provide them with jobs. That’s why it’s right that Scotlandshire gives such a huge subsidy to London for accommodating these intellectuals.

redacted scotland

Too big

Scotlandshire is far too big for its own boots and has far too much land for only 5.3 million people. It clearly doesn’t need 32% of the land mass of the UK for only 8.4% of the population.

Fortunately, rUK has determined to take all the areas outwith the red line on the attached map, to relieve Scotlandshire of that burden.

No longer will Scotlandshire have to bother its pretty little head with really difficult things like trying to run ferry services, or Coastguards, or Lifeboats, or dealing with these funny folk who live on islands, or coastal erosion, or flooding, or stopping depleted uranium shells from polluting the Solway Firth, or dealing with radioactive particles on the coastline, or protecting oil installations.

Indeed, Scotlandshire won't need to bother with much of what is inside the line either, as most of it is owned by Arabs and Germans and other foreign folk.

Coincidentally, that means that the remaining Scotlandshire actually is too poor, too stupid, and too wee to be independent.



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