SNP accused of “wishing to flatten London” as asteroid in near miss
By Newt Reeno, Our Outer Space Correspondent
The SNP were yesterday accused of delighting in the idea that London could be destroyed by a passing asteroid. Thankfully they were disappointed as the body from outer-space narrowly avoided the UK capital.
Passing within a hair's breadth, astrologically speaking, of Westminster it in fact shot by at a distance of about 20,000 km. This may sound a lot but is within the orbit of some earth satellites!
An asteroid is a rocky body orbiting within the solar system, many of which are objects that have separated at some point from parent bodies such as planets.
Blair McDougall, asteroid scientist and head of U-KOK, the organisation against separation of any kind said, “this is what always happens with separation. The smaller body is cast into outer space and ends up in the asteroid belt, aimlessly orbiting outside the bigger, more powerful and exciting bodies such as Mars and Earth.
"And there is no certainty it will even remain there! There is always the possibility it could be kicked out its orbit and cast even further, into the icy cold of the solar system's nether regions such as the Oort Cloud or Kuiper belt, possibly even out the solar system altogether. This is the huge risk separation brings, and will bring to Scotlandshire should it chooses to physically separate itself from the rest of the UK."
However inter-planetary space expert and head of Asteroids for Independence, Blair Jenkins, countered, “it is a nonsense to say this always happens, or to portray asteroids as just small, useless lumps of rock. There is, of course, the possibility of an asteroid being thrown out of the solar system however this is a vanishingly small possibility. Most have been in the asteroid belt since the birth of the solar system, some 6 billion years ago, and are able to travel unhindered, living lives as independent entities. Many end up with really cool names like Fortuna, Hermione and Metis where, as part of a far larger planet they'd be nothing but dull, undifferentiated rock. They may also find themselves colliding with larger bodies at some point, like earth for example, and becoming slayers of dinosaurs! Thankfully this time around, Westminster's dinosaurs were spared. However to compare Scotland with an asteroid is frankly daft. No one, not even Blair McDougall is seriously suggesting we will physically “separate” from the UK. It is not geologically possible. We will not be cast off the surface of the earth, far less thrown into the asteroid belt, or hurtled out of the solar system. To suggest we will is scaremongering of astronomical proportions.”
However, Ruth David, leader of “the Tories in Scotlandshire” – a postulated body, not yet proven by science – said, “Blair Jenkins is simply lying. Many of us are seriously suggesting precisely that. The fact that few people are stupid enough to believe it is neither here nor there. Many people didn't believe the earth was round, for example, and some Tories still don't. That didn't mean it wasn't.
"Similarly, the idea Scotlandshire could not be physically separated from the UK, and from earth itself, has not been proven by Alex Salmond. Nor has the separatist Scotlandshire devolved administration provided any documents from eminent lawyers or geophysicists confirming it could never happen.
"At one point parts of Scotlandshire WERE physically separated from England and Europe, forming a part of Canada, and sitting close to the North Pole! Where is the certainty plate tectonics will not separate us again, leaving the possibility of us drifting alone, either on earth or off it? What would our energy bills be like if we were to end up once again at the North Pole? Or worse, the same distance from the sun as Jupiter? It is clear the SNP have given those questions no thought at all, despite having had 300 years to do so!”
The Inter-galactic Federation of Planets, Panitesimals and Other Rocky Bodies has so far refused to give any definitive answer on whether Scotlandshire could be kicked out of the solar system in the event of separation. "It would depend", its spokes-alien, Iser-a-Barropen said yesterday, “on earth's gravitational hold on Scotlandshire, the escape velocity it could reach after a Yes vote, future orbital eccentricities if it does leave Earth. And the situation in Catalonia.”
All the UK's media seized on the statement immediately as definite proof Scotlandshire would in fact be kicked out the solar system, and Alistair Darling said. “Ah, it is as we thought. The nationalists cannot give us any certainty. They cannot provide the guarantee people in Scotlandshire need that we will remain within the solar system, nor produce one scrap of evidence or advice to prove we won't end up a lump of rock orbiting alone, potentially even in a different galaxy. Or indeed, find ourselves hurtling back towards earth as we surely must end up doing. And it's not even clear he has sought such legal or astrophysical advice!”
Ian Davidson, Chairchoob of the Scottish Parliamentary Affairs Committee Endorsing Complete Annihilation, Destruction & Extinguishment Towards Scotlandshire said, 'It's nae surprise they Natz wantit Westminster annihilated and extinguished: that's the kind o' fowk they ur. They wir unlucky this time though, like they'll be in 2014. An even if they hudnae been, any asteroid trying tae disrupt ma committee hearin' by destroying Lundon would hae hud the dooin o it's fu**in' life, eh? Nae wee separatist barstirt bit o' rock's gonnae get away wi' that.”
Johann Lamont briefly left her bunker for FMQs where she bested the First Minister yet again with the statement, “The sky is falling in....the sky is falling...we're all going to die!!!!"
Wikipedia : Geography of Scotland
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