BBC chiefs give enormous boost to Scotlandshire broadcasting

By our financial correspondent Max McCaird

bbc atlantic_quayThe directors of the BBC in London have delivered a massive boost to Scottish broadcasting by cutting BBC Scotlandshire license funding from its current annual level of £150 plus a booklet of two-for-one coupons for Lidl to a still generous 56p in spare change and a five euro cent coin found down the back of the BBC Director General's sofa.

Industry analysts hailed the measure as a testament to the sterling success of BBC Scotlandshire, and its ability to exceed all expectations in the delivery of completely unbiased news and programming from a small regional outpost only linked to civilisation through hourly policy directives passed on by BBC Headquarters in London.

Sebastian Mountebanque-Cadd, spokes-tory for the unbiased and apolitical think tank 'Privatise Everything Now' and one-time aide to former Conservative Culture secretary and Rhyming Slang Czar Jeremy Hunt, said:

“It's obvious that BBC Scotlandshire is grossly overfunded. Scotlandshire doesn't need a news department. There's already a parish newsletter, surely. In any event, nothing happens there outside of shooting season, and the only culture the locals possess grows on the inside of their fridges.

“In order to redress the balance, the state broadcaster for this glorious United Kingdom needs to make spending commitments in other areas. In the last year alone, five North London three Michelin star restaurants have been forced to close as there simply aren't enough senior BBC staff and luvvies to put bums on seats.”

Mr Mountebanque-Cadd dismissed claims from rabid separatists that Scots contribute over £250 million annually in BBC licence fees, saying:

“The UK kindly gives Scots all the money we feel they require, the pound is British after all. So they're scarcely in a position to pay for anything.”

In a statement, Humphrey Lickspittle, Director of the BBC Dept for Keeping The Jocks In Line said:

“We appreciate that some people will lose their jobs, not be able to pay their mortgages, and will be forced to live in cardboard boxes under the Squinty Bridge as a result of this decision. But of course we must all celebrate mass unemployment as a necessary and vital part of what keeps Britain Great.

“Any minor misgivings our loyal staff may have will soon be replaced by untrammelled joy at the news that their senior managers will be able to move to the centre of the known universe - just off Islington High St - and will no longer have to rough it in Newton Mearns or Bearsden, where frankly it's scarcely possible to buy a decent bottle of merlot and the local delicatessen regularly runs out of organic shitake mushrooms.

davidson-angry“Now BBC Scotlandshire will be able to concentrate on programming that really matters, like realistic dramas about secondary schools that follow the English curriculum even though they're in Greenock."

Ian Davidson MP, Chairman of the important Commons Select Committee for Chibbing Uppity Nat Types Savagely said:

“About bloody time an aw. If BBC Scotlandshire was really fair and unbiased, interviews wi natz would end wi them being tied tae a chair and beaten ower the heid wi a lit Olympic torch. Intolerant types like thaim should aw be taken oot an shot.”

Scottish Labour leader Johann Lamont was unavailable for comment. 


Comments (0)

Comments are currently banned on BBC Scotlandshire News pages.

It's OUR job to tell YOU what to think - NOT the other way around.


Related Articles

 
Our Other Biased Articles

complaint

What is all this Rubbish?

Click HERE to find out.