MP injured in unprovoked attack
By Candida Ricketts, Our Medical Correspondent
A London based MP was slightly hurt yesterday in a Tweeting incident. The tweet was believed to have been thrown at the MP by a member of an unwashed underclass. Known as “voters”, this increasingly alienated and angry untouchable sub-class has been creating increasing problems for politicians, especially since the advent of the internet.
The offending tweet insinuates the MP's parents were not married at the time of his birth, while also arguing separation for Scotlandshire might have benefits. 'It was a disgraceful incident,” the MP, Jock McB'stard and prominent member of the political organisation U-KOK said. “I was injured to the very core of my being by this individual who was clearly out to bully me.”
McB'stard is not the only member of parliament to have suffered at the hands of these “cyber-voters”. Many MPs report that, having taken to Twitter to communicate vital political messages such as, “those ****s who didn't vote for my party in 2011 are ****s” some “voters” had the temerity to Tweet them back. And the tone and language in those Tweets has frequently been unparliamentary and almost always inappropriate when addressing ones betters.
“There is a feeling among MPs,” said McB'stard, that this newfangled interweb thing makes it far too easy for every pleb, non-entity and voter to speak their minds, and that sets a dangerous precedent. We don't want the masses, especially those who didn't vote for us – ****s that they are - tweeting us telling us they don't like our policies. This is bullying, which creates terror among MPs and, as such, is a clear attempt to silence us.” He called on the Scotlandshire devolved administration to immediately deal with the problem.
Wendy Rumination, a psychologist at Edinburgh university, who is counselling the MP for Post Traumatic Tweet Disorder following the incident, said “It is a tough job being an MP and most of them, though they may not appear it, are highly sensitive souls who cannot take criticism of any kind.”
This inability to take criticism is believed to lead to potentially career-lethal conditions such as PSA (Pathological Salmond Antipathy), which parliamentary psychologists report a huge increase in over the past year.
Markus Guarddog, writing for the terminally ill Herald said, “Voters need to remember MPs are delicate, like wilting-flowers or finest bone china. They have fragile egos, which can shatter at the tiniest comment, leaving them merely a broken mess, crying in the corner. I find it despicable that these “cyber-voters” would pick on such vulnerable individuals in this cruel, heartless way. The internet has a lot to answer for.”
Ian Davidson, Chairchoob for the Committee for Repairing Attitudes in Scotlandshire & Stopping Grossly Insulting Tweets said, “Och ye cannae help but long fir the guid auld days when politicians and the journalists we bribed wid jist tell fowk how tae think and tae vote and there wasnae, ken, yir “internet”. Noo they eejit Nats an' rude obsessives kin answer back as if they hae some God-gie'n right tae speak tae their MP. It's no oan. Who's stupit idea wis the Internet anyway? Ah bet it wis they Tories. Somewan ought tae git rid ay it. When Labour get in again, we'll abolish it, tae stop these separatist dictator types trying tae silence us.”
The police have been informed in the McB'stard incident and are currently looking for the offending voter to “gie them a doin'”
How to recognise and treat PSA in your MP
PSA is easily recognised in politicians. The symptoms include incoherent ranting, frothing at the mouth and paranoid delusions such as that Scotlandshire is a dictatorship. They may also be wearing a T-shirt saying U-KOK on it. The best advice for dealing with the condition if you believe your MP is infected is to be patient with them, and also very, very nice. And vote for them, just to keep them happy. They will, of course, be a useless MP, but they should never, ever be told this as this could cause the symptoms to worsen.
For more information on PSA, Post Traumatic Tweet Disorder, paranoid delusions and Fragile Ego Syndrome you can visit the House of Commons NHS Infirm: website for disorders of the political classes.
If you are an MP or carer for an MP who may be affected by this disorder there is a free 24 hour helpline staffed by trained Samaritan volunteers: 0800-Tweets-Hurt
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