By May Kupanummer, Our Counting, and Difficult Sums, Correspondent

Head of the UK Statistics Authority, Andrew Dilnot, has branded PM David Cameron as an "inveterate porkie monger" even worse than his predecessors Blair and Brown. 

"You really can't believe a single word this peddlar of falsehoods says", he went on.

"It should be bloody obvious even to someone who didn't learn basic arithmetic at their posh school, but if debt is higher now than it was before, then it is not 'being paid down' - the man is an even bigger embarrassment to Oxford, than he was when he spent his student days smashing up pubs."

 "It would have been bad enough if this was an off the cuff remark, since we all know that he hasn't got a scooby about the economy - or anything else", he raged, "but it was part of a scripted party political broadcast.

"It's not that hard to work out. We gave the government the figures. We even put them into a pretty graph with colours, so that even Osborne had some chance of understanding it.

"Look. If the line is going upwards as you move from left to right, then that number is getting bigger. 'Bigger' means the debt is getting larger, NOT F***ING smaller!

"I know Osborne thinks that perspective means that if things are further away, they are smaller, and that 2010 is further away than 2012, so it just LOOKS smaller, but isn't really. Visual perspective is the only thing he learned in his entire time at Eton, and the cretin applies it to everything!

"Danny Alexander is even worse. He believes that because debt has a minus sign, that when the graph goes up, the debt is reducing at an alarming rate, which would threaten the Government's anti-scrounger policy. If I lived in Scotland, I'd be voting YES."

Former Chancellor of the Exchequer and Head of U-KOK, Alastair Darling expressed surprise, "Is that what those pictures mean? I never knew that before, though I always liked the colours - they broke up all that dreary text. Well, well, you learn something new every day. Well, I don't really, but you know what I mean.

"Actually, Gordon (that's Brown not Matheson) always explained to me that a historical viewpoint was required. Historians, like him, always looked backwards, so the past was always the future. That made sense to me. At least as much as his 'Post Neoclassical Endogenous Growth Theory' did. He really did think he was a wizard, like Merlin, living time in reverse, you know. Funny chap.

"I was a lawyer, you know, and my training was in providing implausible arguments for improbable defences. Nice to be back at the old job these days.

"I was called to the Bar (Oh make that a triple, will you? I'm due to debate with Blair Jenkins later). Now as I was saying ....".

He was still rambling as we packed up the equipment and left.

Ruth Davidson, Cameron's acolyte in Scotlandshire, bravely attempted to put some spin on yet another bit of disastrous news from London.

As a ballet enthusiast myself, I found her 32 fouettés en tournant unconvincing and increasingly unbalanced.

Johann Lamont briefly appeared at the door of her bunker, breathing heavily and somewhat déshabillé. Unfortunately she dived back into her tunnel complex before she could be asked for a comment.

Willie Rennie, Lib-Dem of no fixed abode, explained the intricacies of counting up the takings on a bus. "Hard stuff", he said, "but I was never more than a thousand or so out, when I handed the baggie in."

John Swinney, Scottish Cabinet Secretary for Finance, Employment and Sustainable Growth, sighed deeply. "Political leaders, unless they are trained economists, like the boss, don't understand much about governing. They do know about good sound bites, and clever delivery - which is why I wasn't a very good leader of the SNP, but Alex is.

"Essentially, governments need to balance their income and expenditure : invest in growth, because that produces more revenue : borrow prudently to finance that growth : do the best they can (and they can't do everything) to improve the lives of the people, and work towards a more equal society because all the evidence is that that produces better living standards and a society that isn't divided against itself, with the ensuing costs."

That seemed rather sensible, and contrary to what I had heard about Mr Swinney. (Ed : You're fired! Separatists are evil smelly scum and always lie.)

When I asked the office of Ian Davidson MP, Chairchoob of the Parliamentary Committee for Openly Hating Greatly All Dedicated Scots to respond, he issued a release. The room cleared immediately. "Better Out than In", he joked.

Related Articles

Politics.co.uk : Cameron misled the public in party broadcast

Spectator : David Cameron rebuked for telling porkies about the national debt

Guardian : When the rich are born to rule, the results can be fatal

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