By Kerry McItbag, Our Sports Correspondent

Following Andy Murray's defeat in the final of the Australian open, the 'Better Someday' anti-independence campaign has claimed that Scotlandshire, "will always be second best" and urged the SNP government to "see sense and give up all this separation rubbish now".

Chairman of 'Better Someday', ex chancellor and MP Alistair Darling, writing in the Herald on Sunday said that the failure of Scottish sports people and teams to win anything at all was "the clearest possible evidence" that Scots were both genetically and temperamentally unsuited to running their own affairs.

"Take the case of Andy Murray," he wrote, "When he competed in the Olympics under the Union Jack he won a gold medal but today he was representing himself, a Scot as it turned out, and he went out in just 4 sets. That proves conclusively that he is a better player as a Great Briton than as a Lowly Scot.

"What's that? Yes, I know he went out of the Olympic Men's Doubles in the first round, and he won the US Open as himself, but if you print any of that, I'll have your DG Kenny McQuarrel add your name to his list – and you wouldn't like that, would you. No. So make sure you publish exactly what you are told to as per usual." [WTF?! How did this creep in? You'll get me fired you moron! - Ed]

An SNP insider has told this reporter that the party is about to perform a U-turn on their anti-nuclear policy, so they can aim a few Trident missiles at Serbia, just as soon as they work out exactly where Serbia is.

This has yet to be confirmed, but we have no problem publishing it anyway. It may be a clear breach of the BBC charter, but it is perfectly in accord with the UK's unwritten constitution, which trumps the BBC charter every time. That's the law.

It has been confirmed, however, that a subsidiary of the 'Better Someday' campaign has become the new sponsor of the Australian Open tennis championship.

The group, known as Keep Independence Away (KIA) is funded by a city of London based PR company, specifically to keep Andy Murray from winning any more jajors, to help ensure Scots don't get ideas above their stations in the lead up to the 2014 referendum on Separation.

Bliar McSlab-Dougall, who heads KIA, told this channel:

"We put a lot of cash into this one, even training pigeons to fly over the Rod Laver stadium at critical moments, trying to shit on the referee and dropping feathers onto the court. All that hard work certainly paid off this time.

We had blister toxin placed inside Muurray's tennis shoes and we even stashed a radio controlled ball in with the real ones, and made it jump out of Andy's pocket on demand. That one made me laugh.

"We did have a little scare when we thought Jock-a-vich might be half Scottish, which would have reduced the defectiveness of our plans by 50 percent, but we were quickly reassured when we saw how well he was playing."

Inspector of the now defunct ScotlibDem party, oor Wullie Rennie, whimpered:

"I canny understand why nobody in Scotlandshire can ever win a tournament. Mibbe we're just all rubbish at everything like they tell us. I know I am. But, hey. Whit can ye dae, eh? No standing in the back, please.

Labour's Sport 'n' Kulchur spokesned, Ian Davidson MP, who is also chairchoob of the Scottish Affairs Committee on Britain's Independent Trident Taskforce, Ensuring Royal Naval Equity in Scotlandshire is Safe, snarled:

"We huftae make sure that naebuddy in Scoatlandshire wins sae much as a wean's sack race before the referendum oan separashun, or it might no go oor wiy.

"Oor hale strategy is tae keep the maximum people in Scoatlandshire in low self-esteem, through a mixture ay poverty, deprivation an huvvin nae real hope fur their future. That keeps them nice an docile and votin fur us.

"We even goat the HMRC tae kill aff their toap fitba team, Ra Gers, an they Hun numpties ur still wavin Union flegs an shoutin No Surrender tae the SNP. Magic!," adding, "Now bugger aff, Hen."

Ian's niece and fellow Tory, Ruth Davidson chirped:

"I can't tell you what we think about this yet, but I can tell you that it will be relevant and modern and very Scotlandshire-friendly, once we know what it is.

"However, I can announce today that I will be asking my party to support me in introducing beach volleyball as Scotlandshire's new national sport.

"This will obviously need to be played in thermal gundies, giving the Scottish team a vital handicap, but is ideal for the plebs as it requires little in the way of expensive equipment beyond a few lines drawn in the sand.

"As we all know, those are quickly drawn - and easily rubbed out and redrawn - as circumstances dictate.

Ephemeral leader of the labour Party in Scotlandshire Johann Lamont was unavailable for comment as she was choosing the winning plan for the £15 million refurbishment of her secret George Square bunker and tunnel complex.

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