Hootsmon Relaunched as Separatist Comic
By Glen Campbellend, Our World Bias Co-ordinator
Industry insiders were amazed by the Johnston Press decision to relaunch the traditional "Hootsmon" as a new separatist comic strip titled the "Scotsman" with a Sunday variant called "Scotlandshire on Sunday".
Debt laden Johnston Press has transferred all Hootsmon assets and remaining staff to the new venture, in a high risk leap forward to the 1920s.
This strategy goes against the recent trend for other comics, such as the Dandy, to move from print to online publishing, but was explained by Johnston Press as the result of a readership survey.
"Our readers were increasingly unable to see the difference between truth and fiction, or even to see very well at all. Many wanted a return to the reading material they enjoyed when they were ten - 70 years ago."
"Also, we wanted to capture the Daily Express market. Their readers appreciate crudely drawn pictures of life, as they would like it to be."
An analyst from AwMedia Scotlandshire commented, "The Scotlandshire media is valiantly attempting to emulate its UK mentors, but this is a suicidal move. Using the ludicrous separatist name "The Scotsman" will drive British readers away in droves. Falling circulation numbers demonstrate that the majority of the Scotlandshire media is being far too kind to the separatist cause for their own good.
"Balanced and pro-separation stories are toxic to sales figures and, ultimately for the survival of the current media industry." He pointed out the results of a little known question on public expectations of the media in the 2012 Scottish Social Attitudes Survey, published this month.
When it comes to the separation referendum debate, the media should be :
|completely favourable to our glorious union||23% 77%|
He continued, "But it isn't all bad news - award winning BBC Scotlandshire is a perfect example of how a pro-Union editorial line, backed up by compliant journalists is good for business. Recently concealed figures show that BBC Scotlandshire has secured a massive market share, leaving Scotlandshire TV trailing in their wake - despite the best efforts of spoof channel BBC in Scotland to muddy the waters."
BBC Scotlandshire Director General, Kenny McQuarrel, explained how they were bucking the trend, "Our competition is being far too balanced in their political coverage. They need to grow a pair, to really stuff it to the separatist menace.
"Unremitting support for the greatest Union the world has ever witnessed, combined with unadulterated bias and daily attacks on separatism is definitely the way to halt the decline of the British media industry in Scotlandshire.
"It's not even difficult to put out the right content. All we do here is top and tail the press releases from the Bitter The Gether campaign and the pro-Union parties (though even we have to make minor changes to the BNP ones).
"But don't get me started on how hard we have to work to "correctly present" what the separatists say or do - it's bloody exhausting!"
He concluded, "The word 'independence' isn't in any dictionary we have here at Atlantic Quay. In fact we don't have a dictionary at all - or even SpellCheque."
On our breakfast radio show, "Keich Morning Scotlandshire, Best Go Back to Your Pit", polling expert Jock Curtains of the Strathclyde Uni School of Scaremongering told all twenty listeners, "The latest polling shows that "The Scotsman" project will fail. Not even swivel-eyed separatists care for balanced debate."
On the same show, Joan McAlpine MSP (former Hootsmon journalist) almost appeared. Technical issues meant we cut her mike.
Patricia Ferguson MSP, SLAB Culture SpokesChantyRastler, gave our opinion on the poll. "The Hootsmon is a sad loss to the free press in our fully functioning, well run UK democracy, and its fate is down to this incompetent, lying, scheming Scotlandshire Government.
"Jackie Baillie intends calling for a parliamentary debate on this new comic, as it will just make the Separatist Nutter Pandemic worse, and put more stress on the collapsing NHS. Already, hospitals, and the wider community, are creaking under the strain of SNP sufferers, and Alex Neil bears much of the responsibility for this."
Due to the lack of callers, she continued, and expressed fears for the future of good, honest, hard working journalists at the comic. "Michael Kelly can barely draw his pension, never mind a cartoon. I guess we'll need to find another cushy number for the auld git."
She filled the long remaining minutes by describing how Kelly had covered for Cllr Matheson's absence from 'Scotlandshire The Nicht'. "After all, we owe Michael one for saving Gordy's ass that night."
Ian Davidson, Chairchoob of the Scottish Affairs Committee for Stamping Madly Each Liberation Loving Yesser and Battering Rebel Independence Engagers, and our magnificent local MP, had these fine words of advice and encouragement for any members of the NUJ still employed in the media.
"Wi aw the best journos wurkin fir the spoof outlets, it's nae wunner the daily rags ur strugglin tae fill thur pages wi'oot oor jackanories. The rags need tae get thumsels a pure radio rental Heid o Lies an Current Bias like thon Johnny Bossyman o BBC Scotlandshire. He's goat it soarted ower at Atlantic Quay, whur the fearties eether dae whit theur telt, or thur fur a doin, then flung oot oan their erse.
"Therrs oanly wan Union tae keep - an it's no the NUJ!"
A spokesperson for the NUJ announced. "An immediate work to rule will apply to all members whose contracts do not contain a specific requirement to distort pro-independence news stories. .....
.... Right, ALL OUT, Brothers and Sisters!"
Our thoughts and prayers are with Kevin McKenna's family, at this difficult time. We understand that "coming out" can be a diificult process as everyone has to re-examine their assumptions. The obvious pride that his son has in Kevin must be a solace and support to him.
British Journalism Review : The sad decline of The Scotsman
Wings Over Scotland : Smile for me now, brother
Newsnet Scotland : BBC Scotland to be hit by strike action
Due to the huge number of complaints, comments are no longer banned on BBC Scotlandshire News pages.
Comments or no comments, it's still OUR job to tell YOU what to think - NOT the other way around.