Huge Growth in Defence Spending in Scotlandshire

 By Scott Fleg-Monger, our Westminster correspondent

da Vinci crossbowThe Ministry of Defence have announced a new generation of weapons systems, to be built entirely in Scotlandshire, when Scots vote down the silly separatist proposal.

Thousands of jobs will be maintained, created, invented and triple-counted in a huge expansion of defence spending to allow British troops to "murder hundreds of thousands." (copyright I Davidson MP) 

 An MoD spokesdribble said, "Our entire supply of pikes, halberds, broadswords, crossbows, catapults and peashooters will be sourced from Scottish companies, or companies with a Scottish connection, or companies which employ at least one person born in or near Scotlandshire.

"Of course, since it's far too expensive to keep records of where we draw our supplies come from, you'll need to take our word for it that the Scotlandshire economy will get a huge boost from this. Scottish industry benefits from billions of pounds of MoD contracts which sustain thousands of jobs."

In a surprise statement, Angus Robertson separatist MP said, "I agree with the MoD on one thing. billions of pounds are spent in Scotland - over the last 5 years £3.17 bn was spent here, but that was £1.9 bn less than our proper share.

Trebuchet"We have now discovered that the MoD, under Labour and Tory governments, have been lying through their gritted teeth all that time. They said they kept no records of where the money was spent. At one level, that was believable. Their inability to control waste and overspend made it clear that they were wholly incompetent.

"Now, however, they have admitted that each item of spending has a special regional code. We are less concerned with waste in the system, than that the waste is not being properly wasted in Scotland. We demand the immediate transfer of additional wasteful spending to compensate for the underspend.

"This recent MoD statement is just a drop in the trebuchet."

Military expert, Labour MP and Chairchoob of the UK Parliament committee of Independence Denying London Elite Supporting Westminsterites Intimididating Nationalist Eejits*, and all round good chap Ian Davidson (UK enclave of Govan) patronised, "Naebody kens mair than me aboot violence, except fir ma china Joycie. Ah goat loads o folk tae speak tae ma committee aboot they things.

"Ma report cuts oot aw the stuff that didnae suit - like that crap fae the Vice-Admiral, whit dis he ken aboot warships? - an makes an absolute case that naebody wid even buy a washer frae ony company no in the glorious UK. Sae that's whit ye'll get - washers!"

Still giggling at Davidson's witty comment, his colleague Ming Campbell, one of many ex-leaders of soon-to-be defunct Lib Dem MPs in Scotland, added, "I would not have articulated in the same manner (I'm not really clever enough for that), but I do agree with him. Oh dear. Nurse!"

BBC Scotlandshire did not seek comments from any Holyrood politician, as defence matters are bugger all to do with them. It is a house rule that even if they say something, we don't report it. In this way, we demonstrate our full support for whatever level of devolution London graciously allows.

In Washington, Commander in Chief of UK Armed Forces Barack Obama, said in his inauguration speech, "Four years ago, I promised my daughters that I would get them a puppy to celebrate my election. This time, I've given them a poodle, and I hope they enjoy playing with the United Kingdom."

* Mr Davidson's Committee has been described in a variety of terms - most of which are unsuitable for a family oriented site. Given the unreliability of UK news reports, we are often reliant on new staff to keep us up to date with the rapid changes of UK nomenclature. We are grateful to our current Acronym Editor, John Bell for this update. As always on BBC Scotlandshire, no job is safe - least of all his. Applications for his post should be submitted through the usual channels.

Our reader's poll "How many jobs at Faslane depend on weapons of mass destruction?" is still open to measure opinion in Scotlandshire. Please vote.


Related Articles

Scotsman : Scottish independence: Spending on defence ‘sells Scots short’ by £1.9bn

Herald : Nationalists hit back at claims Scots shipyards will die with independence


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