By Twice Knightly, our Palace Correspondent

The Palace has revealed that Her Grace Elizabeth, Queen of Scots is mightily pissed off by the utterances of many who swore an oath of loyalty to her when she graciously allowed them to take seats in her Parliament in London.

The Palace spokesman, Silver Tongue Lackey of the Privy and Communications Director, Lord Back o' Bennachie explained that Her Grace was proficient in all the languages and dialects of her various realms around the world, but had chosen to issue her writ of displeasure in London English so as to be understood by the Scotsman editor.

"While the Doric would have been more appropriate, out of respect to Aberdeenshire which hosts both her castle of Braemar and the constituency of her loyal First Minister, it was recognised that few outwith the Royal Family and Scots would appreciate the technicalities of the writ.

Consideration was given to issuing a similar version in Ulster Scots, but it was decided just to read it VERY, VERY LOUDLY instead." 

"Given at our Palace of Westminster, now occupied by my loyal troops of the Scots Guards, 20 January 2013.

"We are concerned for our United Kingdom of Scotland and the troubled parts of its colonial territories of rUK and much of the rest of the world.

"We are glad that most parts of our realms are happy independent nations, comfortable with our rule (though we have concerns for the future when We depart, and Charles becomes King).

"We have deep concerns, however, for our troubled provinces of Northern Ireland and Westminster. We have been forced to impose martial law on the latter since the inhabitants thereof have demonstrated a deep hostility to our insistence that sovereignty be honoured. In Scotland, that sovereignty lies with the people. Elsewhere it lies with us - and ye'll dae as yer telt.

"In Northern Ireland We are satisfied with the designated days for flying the Butcher's Apron above Belfast City Hall. That brings Belfast into line with most other parts of our realms - which is what they claim to want. I am deeply embarassed by the so-called Loyalist protesters, since they certainly aren't loyal to Us.

"Our embarrassment at the activities of our Lords and Commons is considerably deeper. There were 9 hours of tedious debate that took place in our Parliament, despite no one being opposed to the required transfer of power to our Parliament in Scotland to hold a referendum on Scottish independence (We are a 'Don't Know' on the question). 

"We were relieved to hear the rational speeches from Lord Wiggley in the Upper House, and the SNP speeches and that of Mark Lazarowicz in the Commons. We reserve judgment on the mass of other Lords and MPs who didn't bother to turn up, since the debate was pointless.

"However, Acts of Attainder will be issued against all others who spoke. The most severe penalties will be imposed upon -

"Anas Sarwar MP, who dared to question the democratic legitimacy of our Scottish Parliament. Consequently, his own legal legitimacy will be removed, and he will lose all rights, property and the Parliamentary seat that he inherited from Daddy.

"Ian Davidsonand Chairchoob and MP, who has never pretended to have legal legitimacy, having been a bastard since his days in Strathclyde Regional Council. He is sentenced to be hung, drawn and quartered for total ignorance of history. When my two royal ancestors came into conflict at Bannockburn, and required their subjects to slaughter each other, this was no different from the slaughter of other people across the globe by my troops and those of my other ancestors, which he celebrates. I could forgive lese-majeste, but not total stupidity." 

Constitutional historian David Starkey commented, "The last attempt to use Acts of Attainder in England was by Winston Churchill who wanted to use them to dispense with any legal obstacles to executing Nazis. This is a strange reversal. Loyal Englishmen and women like Ian Davidson and Eleanor Laing are being attacked, while the Natz are left free.

"We need to cleanse all Scots genetic material from the English Royal line, and Prince Harry seems the best choice to do that."

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