Fears for stoat "extinction" by UK Government

stoatBy Scott Fleg-Monger, Our Westminster Correspondent

Westminster government plans, to bloat the House of Lords to over 1,000 members, will threaten the extinction of the world's stoat population, claimed the International Union for the Conservation of Nature.

IUCN have moved the stoat from risk level "Least Concern" to the highest category of "Holy Shit! It's heading for dodo status".

As part of the UK Coalition Agreement, Conservative and Liberal Democrat leaders agreed to keep on adding extra ermine clad peers with the "objective of creating a second chamber that is reflective of the share of the vote secured by the political parties in the last general election".

IUCN continued, "Wild life campaigners understand inter-species conflict. However, the determination of the weasels to wipe out all of a similar species is quite unacceptable."

Lord MartinStoat hunters, however, expressed their delight that the plan would increase employment in their sector, although they had concerns that the camouflage effect of snow in the London area (and, therefore, the rest of the universe) might limit their ability to wipe out the stoat population while they were ermine clad.

"It might be easier, and more beneficial, just to shoot anything clad in ermine that we see around the London postcode SW1A 0PW", said a representative. "After all Cameron has already created 125 new peers - almost 50 a year - more than any other PM in history. There should be lots of targets, since the beasts have been baited with £300 a day appearance money.

"The greedy buggers lap that up - especially the poverty stricken ones from Scotland."

Further support for unlimited expansion of Lords membership came from a small firm of ermine processors sometimes referred to as the Scottish Affairs Select Committee.

Managing Director and Chairchoob, Ian Davidson was eager to point out that the firm was based in Glasgow because "Glesga his loats o affairs - even wir cooncil leader hid a 'stoater' o wan in the street.

"Ah'm nae bothered aboot mair Tories and Lib-Dems this time roon, since Ed will hae tae mak anither thoosan Labour peers efter 2015 tae gie Labour a haud o the Lords. Ah'm in the money baith wyes."

Professor John Curtice expressed some concern about the decision.

"The inevitable consequence is that eventually the entire population of the UK - except SNP and Shinner supporters - since they don't sit in the Upper House - will need to become Lords, as England shifts governance back and forth between its two right wing parties, and the balance of parties in the Lords needs to be adjusted. Since Lords don't have a vote in Westminster elections, at that point, every Commons seat will be won by the SNP or Sinn Fein - even in English seats, where the only remaining voter will be a Scot or Irish ex-pat.

"However, since Lords can both vote, and be elected to, the Scottish Parliament, the other inevitable consequence is that we will have a UK House of Commons controlled by Celtic separatists, while the Scottish Parliament mainly consists of Unionist Lords grabbing even more of the gravy."

Willie Rennie, bus conductor of no important political opinion, was ecstatic. "They'll need to mak me a Lord as weel. Ding ding!"

A spokespuzzle for Joruth Lavison, Conlab Leaderene in Scotlandshire, was unsure as to why she was unavailable for comment. "I'd have thought that she would be delighted that people had to think of her as a lady. No one has so far. However, she is considering whether she should reject the concept as it would be a universal benefit, and thus unacceptable."

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