By Nat Butcher, our Political Editor

Scotlandshire's Augustinian MPS would need to change the habit of a lifetime and fight for the interests of their own country, but only in the event of a Yes vote in the 2014 referendum, says Scottish Secretary Mickey 'Bolts' Moore.

Up to that point, it is perfectly all right, not to say essential, for them to carry on putting the interests of Westminster ahead of Scotlandshire's, the interests of their party ahead of their constituents' and the feathering of their nests above the needs of the people.

But as soon as the referendum count is over - if and only if the vote is a Yes - they will be required to start 'looking out for Scotlandshire'.

Mr Moore told BBC Scotlandshire:

"Obviously the vast majority of Scotlandsire's MPs will have very little idea how to look out for their country's interests, and will need extensive training. This would need to include 'Total Westminster Aversion Therapy Sessions' which involve MPs being shown images of coalition ministers, Trident missiles and Big Ben, while being subjected to a powerful electric shock each time their honourable members twitch.

Of course, we will not be able to begin their education until the referendum is over, otherwise we might be seen to be taking the subject of separation too seriously. And since the training is likely to take longer than the independence negotiations themselves, we have decided to quietly drop the whole idea, and instead we will simply issue all of Scotlandshire's MPs with redundancy papers.

"Personally, I have reasonable expectations of ermine in gratitude for my work in the Scotlandshire office, and consequently will require no training whatsoever."

If there was a Yes vote, Moore indicated that he would not continue in his post to negotiate on behalf of England, Wales and Northern Ireland, or as they will be known post independence: England.

"I think, for all Scots after that kind of vote, we are going to begin looking out for Scotlandshire," he said. "We will want to see the best arrangements for Scotlandshire in the future – but not now of course," adding, "It will be quite a wrench."

The SNP was also told it would face some "pretty tough negotiations" within Scotland from opposition parties about the future direction of the newly independent country, if Scots vote for independence.

"We may be trying our best to scupper separation right now, and we certainly will not agree to taking part in any talks on the subject before the referendum, but we will still want to have our say if the Yes side wins," said last Tory standing in Scotlandshire, David Mundane, MP.

"In the unlikely event of a Yes vote, we intend to set up a commission consisting of all three of Scotland's foreign-owned parties, which will decide on the proper definition of independence and will, after a suitable delay of some years, award a nice safe wee independence settlement to the people of Scotlandshire," he added.

Mythical leader of the now defunct Scottish Lib Dems oor Wullie Rennie said: "Michael Moore should but out of Scottish politics altogether and stick to making his wee filums. But hey, whit can you dae, eh?"

Veteran MSP Linda Fabiani, who is the SNP spokesburd on absurd unionist hypocrisy commented:

"That boy Moore should be looking after Scotlandshire's interest's right now. Westminster chories 10 million of our budget every year to pay for the Scotlandshire office, so the least we might expect for our money is a bit of support at Westminster. If Michael doesn't pull his socks up pronto, I'll be having a wee word with his Mammy. Prego."

We contacted Labour's Ian Davidson MP, chairchoob of the Scottish Affairs committee on Unionist Nominees Complying with Literally Everything the Tories Order with Maximum Servility, who told us:

"Auld Boris Karloff should keep his bluddy mooth shut! Ahm no gonnay stoap daein whit ah'm telt jist because some Braveheart scum votes yes. Ah ken fine whit side ma breed is buttert oan, and ah ken how much it's subsidised by an aw. Ah'm haudin oot fur jam the morra, no marmalade the day!

"Ah've goat a deid important joab tae dae doon here in Lundin, and it disnae involve putin' Scoatlandshire furst, ah kin tell ye. Ah'm oot fur masel furst and ma pairty second.

"Ah'm a loyal SLAB MP, fur Christ sakes, how could ah behave ony different."

Hypothetical leader of Labour in Scotlandshire Johann Lamont was unavailable for comment as the idea that Scottish politicians could be expected to put their country first was new to her and she wanted to stay down in her secret George Square bunker in case someone invited her to a debate on the matter.

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