Scots to Lose Nuclear Umbrella

By Unpaid Interns, our New Political Reporter Team

umbrellaSeparatist supporting rag, the Scottish Sun, has reported that the UK Defence Forum think-tank has suggested that an independent Scotland could be forced to keep Trident on the Clyde, rather than exposing potential Tory voters in Devonport to risk.

The Forum has extensive links with, and support from the UK Defence industry and Westminster politicians. Its patrons include politicians such as Ming Campbell (one of the many displaced Lib-Dem leaders) and a number of members of the House of Lords like the former MP for Kirkcaldy, Lewis Moonie. We at Better Together recognise that Lord Moonie escaped censure for taking money for influence. (Ed. I know you guys are inexperienced but don't give the Natz any ammunition!)

The report says "Scotland's share of North Sea oil and gas, its share of the national debt, ongoing aid and subsidies are all factors that can be leveraged to incentivise a favourable outcome." 

A Yes campaign spokesperson wholly agreed with that analysis. "All of those factors will be influential and are in our favour. Why does the UK think they would benefit them? If we have to cut off our subsidies to rUK, they would be in deep shit.

"We note their suggestion that, when they have to relocate Trident elsewhere within rUK (if they can afford it) that Scotland would no longer "benefit" from the rUK nuclear deterrent.

"Oh wow! So if the Faroes get a nuclear capability and mount a first strike on Scottish soil over mackerel quotas, then rUK will sit back and ignore it. We can live with that threat."

Joruth Lavison, composite leaderene of Conlab in Scotlandshire, was confused by our request for a response, and declared herself "unavilable for comment" until she had been told what to think. However, a spokesthing suggested that the Yes campaign was "naive" in ignoring the nuclear threat from the Faroes, since British intelligence had decided that it had been infiltrated by Al-Queda.

"Britain already determined that Iceland was a terrorist state", she declared. "Why would any Viking state be less dangerous now, than it was in the 11th cenury? The Vikings had extensive contact with the Arabs back then, and Norway is buying up bankrupt resources in the UK as rapidly as the Arabs are. Scotland would be vulnerable to another Viking invasion, if it doesn't have the capability to deploy nuclear weapons to destroy the Northern Hemisphere."

Willie Rennie, symbolic leader of the former Lib-Dems in Scotland, was content to parrot Ming Campbell's view. "Whit dae i ken?", he asked. "If Big Baws  says something, whit can ye dae, eh?"

 (Interns to Ed: Thanks for the opportunity to post another article. This should help our CVs! btw we met Izzy Fraser and Brian Taylor in the canteen today, They are very grateful for being kept on the staff - even though serving pie & beans isn't what they saw as their role.)

(Ed to Interns : You gave far too much coverage to the Yes response. I know that your media lecturers advise that you should give equal time to both stances, but in the real world, just follow orders. No media outlet values honesty in reporting. Remember to cut all these editorial comments before publication!)


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