The Liberal Democrat's chief whip at Westminster, Alistair Carmichael, has also been appointed deputy party leader in Scotland.

As Chief Whip for the wee “partner” in the UK Coalition he has admitted that he fails to measure up to his opposite number in the Tories who has received widespread Con/LD admiration for describing the London polis as “fu**ing plebs” who needed to “learn their place”.

Carmichael (48), wearing a tasteful two piece suit in subtle grey shades bought on special offer in a Kirkwall discount store, and a tie his auntie had bought him for Christmas, described his official role as Comptroller of HM Household as “a fu**ing waste of time", and added:

"Though the royals often act like plebs, you’re not allowed to call them that. If you have a title, it's just high spirits. It’s what makes Britain great.”

Mr Carmichael was not opposed for the position as deputy to Scottish leader Willie Rennie because everyone else thought being second in command to a bus driver was too plebby, and Danny Alexander already has a job pushing the tea-trolley around the Treasury. According to party sources, East Dumbartonshire MP Jo Swinson was considered for the post, but declined as she is avoiding anything that might confront her with students.

Even Councillor Archie McSporran (Independent Liberal Anarchist)was entreated to stand for the post to save the Lib Dems from the ignominy of having Carmichael as Deputy Leader. Mr Mc Sporran informed our reporter - who although very fond of pies wears colourful galusses that no pleb would be seen dead in - that Clegg and Carmichael were both “fu**ing plebs”.

The MP for Orkney and Shetland said it was "an exciting opportunity", and he had already spent several hours in front of the mirror perfecting a patronising sneer.

In a statement released by his care assistant, veteran former party leader Menzies Campbell, who recently celebrated his 112th birthday, said:

“Although Alistair doesn’t have a surname for a first name, he’s really not too plebby at all. But I remember when you could get two posh Lib Dem leaders and still have change from an Irn Bru bottle.”

As he prepared to drive the minibus back from Conference, Scottish Lib Dem leader Willie Rennie commented:

"The SNP keep boasting about having appointed another 1000 fu**ing plebs and morons who don't know their place. Along with our Tory and Labour friends, we want these jobsworths sacked – and that is what we are doing in Englandshire. By the way, do you want a lift to Atlantic Quay? There’s plenty of empty seats."

A spokesperson for Jim Murphy MP said:

"I could have done that job as deputy LD party leader in Scotland. Typical of these other Tories that I didn’t get the chance to apply. They said they'd looked for me, but I was off attending a fundraising event with Mad Dog Shug McHeroin."

Scottish Labour leader Johann Lamont was unavailable for comment.

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