BBC Scotland 'too skint' to show First Minister's Christmas message

By Nat Hunter, our Political Correspondent

queen3dThe management of ridiculous Spoof TV channel BBC Scotland have complained that they were unable to show First Minister Alex Salmond's Christmas message to viewers in Scotland because they were too skint after paying for their latest production, "Queen live in 3D".

The News emerged as the BBC broadcast festive recordings by both the Elizabeth Saxe-Coburg and Goethe, the Queen and David Cameron, the Prime Minister, but viewers in Scotlandshire waited in vain for their own programme.

The puzzlement of Scottish viewers began to turn to anger, when they discovered that a Christmas message by Carwyn Howell Jones, the First Minister of Wales, had been broadcast to viewers in that country, while local spoof channel BBC Scotland had no plans to show the festive message from Scotland's First Minister.

I asked a spokesplaceman from BBC Scotland, which is handily situated directly across the Clyde from our Atlantic Quay HQ, to explain the mystery of the missing message. He told me:

"BBC Scotland is not a real Scottish broadcaster, it is simply a branch office for the BBC in London. You know, like the Scottish Labour party, or the Scottish Conservative party, none of them really exist, they're just sort of marketing myths.

"Because of this, we have a really, really small budget, and most of this is used up making English programmes that have nothing to do with Scotland, like Question Time, just so it will look like we're not keeping all the cash from the license tax fees in London.

"We simply could not afford to pay for three Christmas broadcasts in one day, so one of them had to go."

savilleI also confronted Ken McQuarrel, big nob of BBC Scotland, who had just returned from organising the Jimmy Saville cover up investigation in London. He told me the decision to snub the First Minister and Scottish Government was purely financial and nothing to do with politics, saying:

"The Queen's broadcast is a BBC tradition, so there was no way that that was going to be cut. In fact, we were proud to be chosen as the producers of this year's broadcast, which means that half of next year's Scottish production budget was used up making one 5 minute broadcast. Those 3D glasses don't come cheap, you know.

"And we had to show David Cameron's message because we have mortgages to pay, and I personally have expectations of ermine now that old "Jim'll fix you" is out of the news. I wasn't about to risk that after all the damage I have had to do to Broadcasting and News in Scotland to get where I am today.

"It really was a no brainer to dump Eck's message as he is only the head of that wee pretendy parly in Edinburgh. Not only is it not in London, which it would be if it was of any relevance, but it's not even in Glasgow, for Christ sake! What would have been the point in showing that?

"Plus, I hear Eck's a bloody cybernat in any case, so any of those bravehearts that were interested will have seen it already on the interweb. Now bugger off, as I need to collect al those 3D specs back in for next year, before all the VIPs run off with them. That 3D technology is almost dead, and those buggers were all early adopters, so they're desperate for spares."

The Director General of BBC Scotlandshire has decided to partially undo the slight on the Scottish people caused by the spoof state broadcaster's decision, and is showing the First Minister's broadcast in full.

davidson-queenIn the interest of balance, a principle which has now been abandoned by BBC Scotland, we have decided to also print a Christmas message by the foremost Scottish Labour politician and chairchoob of the Scottish Affairs committee on Commons Hearing Endless Excuses by Kiss-ass Yessmen for the Calumny of Unbalanced National Television in Scotlandshire, Ian Davidson MP.

"Ma committee an me want tae wish the people ay Scoatland a shite year in 2013, and anuthir wan the year eftir an aw.

"We didnae stiy in power in Scotland fur aw they years by makin things better fur people, unless the people wur oor pals an family, that is. We've aye won elections by makin things much worse fur people, while tellin them it wid get better in the future. Je see how it wurks?

"Now some people think we've been fun oot by the electorate when the Natz took ower the parly, but the cooncil elections in Glesgae showed us that we hudnae been. Thur's still plenty ay folk whit still vote labour just because thur Da did, or mibbe their Granda, or whoever it was that last hud a joab in the family.

"If we ever tried tae soart things oot fur thon people fur real, we'd leave the door open fur aw the real socialists tae start takin over the party again. An we couldnae hae that, cos ah huvney paid aff the mortgage oan ma London flat yet fur a start.

"So yes kin fuck off - all ay yes - an ah'll see yes next year fur mair ay the same auld shite!"

The nominal head of "Scottish Labour" Johann Lamont was unavailable for comment as there was no 3D service in her secret George Square bunker, and she had set up 2 TVs next to each other and was desperately shaking her head from side to side in a simulation of 3D known as the 'paracetamol principle'.

The following is the Christmas message from Scotland's First Minister, Alex Salmond MSP

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