Our 'Secret Santa' list for Scotlandshire's politicians

By Santa Closed, our Austerity Correspondent

skye-bridge2As we approach our first Christmas, the many staff of BBC Scotlandshire would like to wish a happy Christmas to each and every one of our readers.

Everyone at Atlantic Quay hopes you have enjoyed the stories we posted over our first 3 months, and we look forward to providing many more in 2013. Please help us spread the message of media bias to the widest audience by visiting regularly and sharing with your friends and colleagues.

As a special treat, we have decided to buy some lovely presents for some of those whom the people of the shire have elected to political office.

Some have been naughty (occasionally very bad indeed) and some have been nicer, but each will receive a present which we think they deserve as a result of their actions and statements over the course of 2012.

If you feel you could add to this list, please take the opportunity of commenting below.

The right to comment on BBC Scotlandshire articles was hard-won, and should be made use of (in case it is taken away from you again, like it has been that ridiculous spoof site BBC Scotland).

BBC Scotlandshire's secret Santa List

The (now defunct) Scottish Liberal Democratic Party

Wullie Rennie MSP – A letter of thanks from the Scottish Council for Voluntary Organisations for the donation made in his name. He was a little disappointed but hey what could he do, eh! Oh, and a new ticket clipper

Ming Campbell MP – A special thank you for resurrecting the only Liberal policy which is older than he is – Home rule federal style

Danny Alexander MP – A nice safe Surrey Conservative seat followed by another in the House of Lords, if he doesn't just get shafted...

Michael Moore MP – A neck-bolt polishing kit and a battery charger

The Scottish National Party

Alex Salmond MSP – A copy of "Under Siege (Unionist Cut)" on Blueray and a nice duff from Lewis

Nicola Sturgeon MSP – Mel Gibson in a gibbet and some cookery night classes

Angus Macneil MP – An iPhone app which discriminates between genuine and spoof Twitter accounts

Dr Alasdair Allan MSP – A ministerial limo that isn't made by Kia Ora

Kenny Gibson MSP - A loud hailed so he can be heard through SLAB backbencher jeers

Jamie Hepburn MSP – A basket of cute kittens to share with Jackie Baillie

Christina MacKelvie MSP – A pack of Tena Lady super strength for those uncontrollable fits of the giggles

John Mason MSP - The works of prof Richard Dawkins

Mike Russell MSP – An electronic calculator and a copy of "how to win friends and influence people"

Stewart Stevenson MSP – A snow shovel and a BIG bag of salt

Kenny MacKaskill MSP – A ticket to the Bar Association Christmas party

Roderick Campbell MSP - Gary Tank Commander box set, as it is the only army kit he'll see in his constituency

Keith Brown MSP- A Star Wars Stormtrooper uniform and a day out at the laser quest (to keep all that training up to date)

Pete Wishart MP - His first music video in colour and a badge saying "cybernat keyboard warrior"

Joan McAlpine MSP - a BBC license tax pre-payment voucher for the remainder of the parliament

The Scottish Conservative and Unionst Party

Ruth Davidson MSP – Ream of blank waving paper for FMQs and a Head Prefect's badge

David Mundell MP – His own enclosure in Edinburgh zoo, and a female Tory MP on loan from London zoo

Annabel Goldie MSP – A long knife for sitting behind Ruth Davidson at FMQs

Murdo (Murrdirr Polis) Fraser MSP – Leadership of a whole new right-wing party of his own, post independence

The Scottish Green Party

Patrick Harvie MSP - Whatever auld tat we can find in the recycling bin

Labour for Independence

Alan Grogan – Leadership of a whole new left-wing party of his own, post independence

The Scottish Labour Party

Johann Lamont MSP – A new script writer and a nuclear powered Dyson to help keep her secret George Square bunker clean

Paul Sinclair (special advisor and speech writer to Johann Lamont) – A copy of "The Satanic Verses"

Jackie Baillie MSP – A 'Liar Liar' DVD and a basket of breakfast boiling kittens (courtesy of Jamie Hepburn MSP)

Michael McMahon MSP - Referee's whistle (specially tuned for Holyrood Chamber)

Mags Curran MP - A box of chocolate-covered wasps (for sooking)

Kezia Dugdale MSP - Something from the women's section on Amazon

Malcolm Chisholm MSP - SNP life membership (there's always at least one good apple)

Ian Davidson MP (the chairchoob) - A replacement set of knuckledusters, hardened and tempered for the female face and another 365 apt acronyms for his wee select committee on separation

Alistair Darling MP – A black T shirt with "End London Rule!" on the front and "Pans Tour 2012" on the back, and a copy of "Chas & Dave's Greatest Hits" on CD

Jim Murphy MP - A gym membership, some anabolic steroids and a season ticket for the Gers

Gordon Brown MP – A bunch of "Forget me not" flowers from his constituents and a full MPs salary and expense account with no obligation to actually turn up in Westminster (just like last year's present)

Tony Blair – A map of Britain with a big arrow showing where Scotland is, so he can take over the "Better No" campaign

Iain Gray MSP – 6" sub with coffee (pensioner price) and the employee entrance door keycode for every Subway branch in Scotlandshire

Cllr Gordon Matheson - Sky broadband and a free WiFi router (RangeMax version)

Anne McTaggart MSP – a copy of "How to be a Labour MSP for Dummies"

Dr Richard Simpson MSP – A lifetime supply of (decaffeinated) Buckfast Tonic Wine

Eric Joyce MP - Set of DVDs including "Fight Club", "Anger Management (I'm The Daddy Now cut)"and "Eorpa", plus a crate of Buckie (extra caffeinated)

The Media

Isobel Fraser – A stab-proof vest for those Ian Davidson interviews

Brian Taylor – A comment facility on his blog and a big Christmas pie

Kaye (with an E) Adams – A book on political balance (with an E)

Gordon Brewer – A lifetime membership of the Jeremy Paxman fan club

Glenn Campbell – A return to his old Country and Western career

John MacKay – Certificate for coming second in the ratings to BBC Scotlandshire in 2012

Alan Cochrane- A fine tooth comb (for removing bile that has collected in a beard)

Marcus Gardham - A union flag (for waving in the office)

All MSN journalists – A free course in good old-fashioned journalism, run by Newsnet Scotland, and entitled "How to check your facts before topping and tailing Unionist press releases"

And finally

All of Scotlandshire's politicians – A free subscription to BBC Scotlandshire, and a regular, well-earned lampooning in its pages throughout 2013!

Over to you...


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